Trusting in the Storm

Prayer.  It should come with a warning label that says, "Don't do it unless you really mean what you're praying!"  I've shared over the past couple of months how God is really working on me with fear and trust.  I just kept praying that I would just keep trusting more.  I didn't haven't in mind what has happened over the past week and a half.  I thought it was enough of a test of my trust when we lost a good part of our income in January.  In February, we were right on track with our budget, and we were even able to have a little (ok, a lot) of fun because of our tax return.  We were getting into a good place with our budgeting, and were pretty good about following it.  March started off fairly quiet for us, and I was looking forward to really living out that budget since what was left of tax money had been transferred to savings. 

Then March 7th happened.  It's a day that will be etched in my brain for a long, long time.  My husband told me he had lost his full-time job.  All the thoughts of how will we pay rent, feed our kids, put gas in our cars, etc. went through my head.  Our insurance was gone.  I was so proud of the fact that we were finally in a place that we didn't have to use medicaid, and BAM! looks like we are going to have to go back on it.  It kind of sucks.  But apparently we (or I) needed to be humbled. 

Back in January I didn't know why we had to go through that rough time.  I honestly believe that God used it to prepare me for this time now.  While I don't believe God makes bad things happen, I do believe he knows what's going to happen, and he knew I'd need to learn to trust him during that time, so I would know I could trust him now. 

Most days are good.  My heart and head agree that God has a bigger plan, and we have to go through this desert before we can get to the mountaintop.  But there are rough days where my head and my heart just don't agree.  It's those days I really have to dig deep so I don't let the doubt take hold and start to believe the enemy's lies.  Most days I don't worry.  But I have days where I am scared of what the future holds.  That's when I need the prayers of my family and friends the most.  I know there are people interceding for us, and that means more to me than anything. 

I don't understand any of this, but I trust that God knows what he is doing.  One of my devotionals last week included Romans 5:3-4.  "We can rejoice, to, when we run into problems and trials, for we know they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hop of salvation."  In the side note of my Bible, it suggested listing 5-10  good things could come of a present suffering.  I started listing, and you know what I found?  While our present circumstance just plain sucks, there are some good things that can come out of it.  We are both able to go to the prayer conference our church is hosting next week.  Nick wouldn't have been able to go otherwise, and I think this will be a huge thing for us.  We actually get to spend time with the man of our house right now. That's only a couple.  My list was longer than that. 

I believe God has plan so much better than we could ever imagine.  I believe there is a job out there that is just right for our family.  I believe that God is faithful and he won't let us down.  The Bible never says our lives will be easy.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  It says there WILL be trials.  But I know who I can depend on to get us through these trials.  For now, we are going to do our part in looking for a new job and seeking God, and I am going to trust that he is going to use this experience to strengthen our faith and trust.

Waiting

Waiting...

I'm not good at it.  I'm not very patient.  I'm a control freak.  I need to know what's going to happen.  I need a plan.  I need to know well in advance.  I think God is really trying to teach me something here.  All through January and most of February, He has been working on my heart about fear and trust.  We've had some situations that initially caused a lot of fear, but I'm learning to trust.  It's hard because my trust has been broken by so many.  I put walls up.  But God is tearing them down, brick by brick and showing me I can trust him. 

Trust is a choice I have to make each and every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  I don't let go of things easily.  When things don't go the way I think it should, I often get angry or upset.  This week we found out Nick didn't even get an interview for a job he applied for. A job that would change so much for our family.  I never felt like this particular job was going to happen.  I'm not sure why, but I always had a feeling it wouldn't work out.  It didn't make the news of it any easier because I was hoping my feeling was wrong.   So here we are, back to waiting.

Waiting.  Again.  I feel like we've been waiting for so long.  Sometimes I see people get a new job, and I feel like I'm waving at God saying, "Hey, what about us?"  Or I see people get a better work schedule so they can have more family time, and again, I feel like I'm waving my arms at God saying, "Hey, don't forget us!" Or when we hear someone say they've paid off all their debt, I'm again waving like a lunatic.  "God, that's our goal!  Why can't we do that too?"  While I am happy for those people, it's sometimes hard to hear those things when we've been praying for so long for those exact same things.  We just keep waiting.

And it appears that we are going to be waiting even longer.  Interestingly enough, through January and into much of February, at least one of the devotional readings I did would be on faith and trust and fear.  OK, God.  I get it.  You are teaching me about placing my faith and trust in You.  For the past few days, it seems like scripture about waiting on the Lord keeps popping up.  Even Proverbs 31 Ministries posted this as their daily devotional a couple of days ago. 

I dont' know why we have to keep waiting.  We don't have to be wealthy.  We just want to be able to meet our needs, pay off our debt, and if I'm honest, be able to take our kids on a trip every once in a while.  Our last vacation was six years ago when we went to see my parents.  We want to be able to give when a need arises.  We want Nick to be able to be home with our family more and and be able to enjoy family life a little bit.  I don't know why we have to keep waiting.  Maybe that wasn't the right job for Nick.  Maybe God was protecting us from something we can't see right now.  Maybe we still have more to learn right where we are at.  Maybe God has something better when the time is right.  Maybe we are right where he wants us. 

I don't understand any of it, but the verse I learned back in 4th or 5th grade caravan keeps coming back to me:

Trust in the Lord with your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do, an dhe will show you which path to take."  Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT)

I may not ever understand any of it, but I believe God has a plan.

Today, the verse of the day on my Bible app is God's way is perfect.  All the Lord's promises prove true.  He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.  Psalm 18:30 (NLT)

Sometimes fear of the unknown tries to creep back in.  I want to try to take control again.  But the reality is, it's out of my control.  I have to leave this at the feet of Jesus.  We can do our part to pray about it and even apply for jobs when they come up, but we can't make them happen. 

So here we are again.  Waiting.  Trusting.  Believing. 

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not grow faint.  Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)

Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.  Psalm 27:14

Little Gymnast

This little lady had her first gymnastics meet on Sunday.

 

She did well considering it was her first meet and first time doing it all by herself in front of an audience.  

 

She had no idea what to expect going in, but her friend, Sophia, showed her the ropes.

 

She ended up tying third place on the bars with a score of 8.9.

 

She got her first gymnastics medal and trophy.  Now she can't stop practicing at home, and she asks multiple times a day when her next meet is (it's not till the end of April.  It will be a long two months!)

Trust

This morning, as I was praying, I experienced something I have never experienced this way. I was praying about my fears, and let's add a new one shall we? Yesterday afternoon I was thinking about how we've been trying to find Nick a new job for so long now. I am afraid of God saying no to something new and being stuck where we are. It scares me. I know if he got a new job, it'd make getting a new(er) vehicle easier. I know it'd make parenting slightly easier (because it's never an easy task!) because we'd both be here. I know it'd make paying off our debts slightly easier. Our lives would change. That's not to say we still wouldn't have our struggles because we would. A new job wouldn't solve all of our problems. It wouldn't even necessarily solve the current issues. It would just help them. So now I'm afraid of God saying no.

I was going to wait to share this till the end, but it's such a big part of my journey right now, that I'm going to. I know a few of you already know and have been praying, and I appreciate it so much. Your prayers are working. I have been doing the Daniel Fast with Nick and I think around 10 other people at church. I haven't said anything publicly because it's such a personal thing, and I don't want any of the focus on me. I want it to draw me closer to God. And it is. Before this fast began, we were told to pick a focus. We chose Nick's job search since that is something that is so huge for us right now. I feel like God just keeps pulling back all these layers and when it comes down it, I have some pretty major trust and fear issues. I talked about fear a little yesterday. And like I said above, we just added a new one. I am afraid of God saying no and being stuck where we are. I was praying this morning before I even opened my devotional book because this fear has been consuming since yesterday evening. I guess I thought I'd have felt more direction from God one way or the other by now. I don't know why, we were only a week into the 21 day journey. I am growing and learning and God is peeling back layers of hurt, fear, and distrust. But I have felt nothing one way or the other about this job search. I have been a little confused, and confusion is not from God. In one devotion, it talks about how if we believe, truly believe, it will happen. But what if we believe and it's not God's will? I'm still trying to sort through this. I love doing this, and I feel like God is doing something, but not how I was expecting.

So back to this morning. I was praying about my fears and my distrust. I felt God say, "Just trust me." Not in an audible voice, but in the depths of my heart. I was taken by surprised. And then I questioned if it was really God or a voice in my head. Satan is really trying to defeat me here, and I believe he was trying to get me to question whether or not it was really God. I told God it's so hard for me to trust because the majority of people in my life has broken my trust in some way. Obviously that's to be expected. We are all human. But how do we learn to trust when all we have known is broken trust? I want to trust God with everything I have. I opened my book and began to read, and one paragraph stood out to me. The author is talking about being politically correct in God's kingdom. She wrote:

If I were politically correct in a Kingdom of God sense and a full-fledged member in the "holy nation," I would have total trust in my King, believing His every word and following His every lead. My heart would be full of peace, and I would make love my aim. I would believe more, worry less, and have complete confidence in my future no matter what condition the economy is in or if my circumstances look dark or threatening."

Trust. Believing. Complete confidence. Those words keep popping out, even as I look at it now. That is what I want. I have to start somewhere. I do trust God, but not to the extent I should. In my human-ness, I still want to have some control. I figure the only place to start is to start saying, "I trust you, Jesus" outloud. My hope is the more I say it, the more I will be able to. I want that complete confidence. I want God to heal all the brokenness I have when it comes to trust. Only he can do that.

So, dear friends, please keep praying. I can't even say how, but keep praying because God is moving!

Fear

God is dealing with me in a big way right now. Every single devotional reading I've done in the past few days revolves around fear. Isn't it amazing how God can put just the right things in the right places at the right time? I have so many fears. My biggest fear lately has been that we will always be stuck in the place we are at right now financially. I fear Nick will not be able to get in somewhere else. I fear that we won't be able to pay off our debt, therefore won't be able to buy our own home. I fear for his health because he is working so much to support us. Fear that something bad is going to happen with our van because we can't afford to fix it right now. There's an oil leak that causes it to smoke a little, and who knows what else. I fear we won't be able to at least help put our kids through college. We made so many bad choices financially in our college years and early/mid twenties, and I fear we will be paying for these mistakes for life.

But God is working on my heart and my fears. God is working on pushing those fears out and filling my heart with his truths. Fear is not from God. It's Satan's way to distract and destroy. Fear has a hold on me. I am praying, and I am searching for any scripture on fear and on trusting in the Lord. I'm sort of a control freak (I can almost hear my husband laughing that I said sort of ). It's hard to let go of this, and put it under the feet of Jesus. But I know that the more I let go of the fear and the more I allow God to fill me, I will feel so much lighter, like a huge burden has been lifted. God is bigger than my fears.

Conclusion

As January is quickly coming to a close, I've been reflecting on all the things that have been happening.  One day last week I told Nick I think this whole situation with Monicals may have been one of the best things to happen to us.  While we are looking forward to having our normal income again starting next week, a lot of good has come from this. 

The first is we have had to learn to depend on God in ways we've never had to before.  We've had to trust and have more faith.  I have to admit, over the past couple of years, I have questioned whether or not God really and truly cared for us like I've been taught my entire life.  I don't question that anymore.  I fully believe that God loves us so incredibly much.  While the past month has been a struggle and we had a lot of unknowns, God really did provide all of our needs, mostly through other people.  Those people will never know just how big a blessing they all were!  Not only did we have our most basic needs met, we had a little more than enough.  We never ran out of food or money or gas.  All of our bills are paid.  God loves us.  God is faithful.  God is good!

We have learned that we can live on less, even on the less than average income we have.  We've had to be more responsible financially than we ever have had to be before.  We've had to tell ourselves no even when we didn't want to.  Two years ago, when we first started to really focus on our budget, our January was the best month for us.  I wouldn't even buy a $2 box of crayons (I'm a crayon snob, I only buy Crayola).  The money was there, but it wasn't on the budget, so I wouldn't do it.  We somehow got a little relaxed with our budget as time went on.  For months we have been saying we needed to get back to our January budget.  This whole experienced forced us to get back to that mindset.  Now that we are there, I don't want to lose this mindset, so I joined a challenge one of my December sisters gave in our group.  We will not be making any unnecessary purchases in the month of February.  The definition for unnecessary will probably be different for everyone.  For us, it means if it isn't on our budget, we will not be purchasing it, no matter how small the purchase.  I don't want to lose the momentum we have.  We want to be responsible with our finances.  We want to be good stewards of the things God has entrusted to us. 

This experience has had me praying and digging into God's Word nearly every day (I'd like to say everyday, but sometimes Saturday comes and goes and I forget.  It constantly amazes me when I open up my devotional book and it is exactly what I need to read.  She Reads Truth is currently doing Soul Detox on the youversion Bible app, and that has been so great for me already!  We are only on day four.  I'm learning to really trust that God has our best interest at heart, and what may seem like a punishment right now can be used for our good. 

One of the great things that has happened is Nick has been home more frequently in the evenings.  We've actually been able to spend time with him.  I long for the day that his full-time job will fully support our family so he can be nearly all evenings (I'm not sure he'll ever completely quit Monicals, he really loves it).  The kids' behavior has improved so much.  I have suspected that some of their behavioral problems I see in the evenings is due to him being gone so much.  There isn't much we can do about it right now, but after seeing how they've changed since he's been gone less, I firmly believe that is a big source.  We have loved having him here more, and would like to ask everyone to pray with us for that right job to come along so this will become the norm for us.  We need Nick here. 

Tonight Nick gets to do something that is rare because of his work schedule.  Because of his work schedule, he normally can't go to school events, and I often end up not being able to go because some aren't toddler appropriate.  Since he is home tonight, Nick is taking Kylee on a date.  The school is doing a book bingo night where they can win a book if they get bingo.  They can also take a gently used book to swap if they'd like.  When we asked Kylee if she'd like Daddy to take her, I couldn't see her face because we were in the car, but by the sound of her voice, I just knew her face was lit up.  I can't wait till more of these kinds of things are possible. 

When this whole thing started back on December 29th, I thought this was going to be the worst month ever.  Boy did God prove me wrong.  It wasn't comfortable.  But being broken, stretched, and growing never is.  Today I am thanking God for this month-for the lessons we've learned, for His provisions, for the people who were there for us in so many different ways, for more time with my husband, and for the experience as a whole.  God can take a pretty sucky (sorry if you don't like that word, but it best describes it) situation and bring a whole lot of good if we are willing to let him. 

Learning

Over the course of the last two weeks, we've been learning some tough lessons.  After an incident with Monicals, Nick's tip money, which is a significant part of our income was not happening for the month of January.  (Sidenote-we still love Monicals, the situation just isn't fun).  That tip money was supposed to be our grocery money for the last week.  That tip money was supposed to be our gas money too.  We had already used Nick's previous check to pay on some other bills, or we may have been able to rearrange things.  At first I was so angry.  And scared.  I kept looking at these four little people who depend on us to provide for them.  How on earth was I going to feed them and put gas in the car on a grand total of $60??  We did everything we could to fight the situation, but it did no good.  I was freaking out.  Due to some other issues, I was spiraling downward into depression.  I had not felt this way in about six years.  I had my first anxiety attack in a couple of years.  Then nearly had another, but somehow managed to breathe through it.

After realizing our current situation was not going to change, I had a choice to make.  I could be angry.  I could spend my days crying and wondering what to do.  I still felt the situation was unfair considering another person at Monicals had a similar incident and they let him off with a slap on the wrist, but that was beside the point.  I couldn't change that either.  I realized that I was relying on US to provide for our children.  I was relying on our own strength.  I had to let go of that.  I had to let go of the fear and the anger.  It wasn't helping me.  It wasn't helping my husband or kids.  In an effort to bring something good to my brain, I picked up Growing Grateful Kids by Susie Larson off my "to read" stack of books.  She talks of a time that was rough for them and when she got in the car after getting groceries, before they left the parking lot, she told her boys they were going to thank God for their food and that they have a choice in what they eat.  Another time, she said they had nothing but one big pancake for all of them to share.  And they thanked God for that.  Philippians 4:19 says, "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." (NLT).  I was so glad she put that verse in the very first chapter of her book.  It's what I needed.  On page 28 of her book, she writes,
But it's in our places of desperate need that Jesus makes himself known.
When our strength is unequal to the task, we see the strength of God come to bear in our lives.  And when what we hold in our hand falls short of the need before us, we can keep perspective because we have a place to go with our need.  We have a God who makes up where we lack.  We have an engaged Father who lovingly provides for us.  We have reason to be thankful.

Those words weren't about growing grateful kids in that moment.  They were meant for me.  There is a reason I hadn't picked this book up sooner.  God knew I needed it in this exact time.  I'm embarrassed to admit, I had not cracked open my Bible or devotional book for the entire month of December, and even before Thanksgiving.  No wonder I was feeling so down.  I was trying to do everything on my own, without the power of God.  But I was still hesitant.  Why?  I don't even know.  How was God going to supply all of our needs on only $60 to get us through till the next pay day when we would have our grocery and gas back in our budget?  I had no idea.

The day after reading this, I took the kids to gymnastics.  On the way home, I thought maybe it would lift my spirits a little if they told me what they were grateful for.  I asked Kylee to go first.  She said Jesus.  Elijah said our family.  Adleigh said snow to play in (except she hasn't had a chance to play in it because we've barely had any).  We decided Micah was probably most thankful for mama's milkies.  They asked me what I was thankful for.  I told them I was thankful for daddy and how he loves us so much he works really hard for us.  The best part was, they didn't want to stop there.  They wanted to keep saying what they were thankful for till we got home.  I was impressed that at 3, 5, and 6, not one time were they thankful for toys.  With the exception of snow, it was all stuff like family, friends, having a home, having food, our church, etc.  If they "get it" at such a young age, why was it hard for me?  I knew my attitude had to change right then and there. I owed it to my kids.  I owed it to my husband.  I owed it to God.

I picked up my Bible and my copy of Jesus Calling.  I started the online devotions with the she reads truth community again.  Each day, they say exactly what I need to hear.  I don't believe it's coincidence.  On January 4 in Jesus Calling, I was challenged.  To start, it says, "I WANT YOU TO LEARN A NEW HABIT.  Try saying, "I trust you, Jesus" in response to whatever happens to you."  In the next paragraph it says, "Adverse circumstances become become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in Me no matter what."  WOW!!!!  Could I really say "I trust you, Jesus" out loud?  Because in saying in saying it, I had to do it.  I knew I had to work up the courage to say it and do it.  I had to put this lack of tips under the feet of Jesus and trust that he would make a way.  It might not be easy, but I had to do it.  And I did.  Each time I said it, I felt more at peace. 

I don't know what all God is trying to teach us, but we are learning.  We are learning to trust that God will provide all of our needs.  I took that $60, put $25 of gas in the van.  I took $30 and I bought food to last a week.  It might not have been the healthiest options-lots of mac & cheese and spaghetti, and less produce than usual, but I walked out with enough food to get us by.  No extras, but God didn't say he'd provide our extras.  He said he'd provide our needs.  Our needs were covered.  He did provide one of my "extras" though.  When we have to cut things out of our budget, my monthly Starbucks allowance is the first to go.  It's not a necessity.  I had already received a pound of Christmas Blend coffee as a gift from one of my December sisters, but another sent me a Starbucks giftcard.  When I went to get a coffee with it, the barista working the drive thru window thought they took too long and gave me a coupon for a free drink.  I already had another coupon.  The giftcard and two free drinks covered four drinks.  It's not a necessity, but God provided.  Someone sent us a check, and someone else a giftcard.  I got some sweet, uplifting cards in the mail.  All from my wonderful December sisters.  (Sometime in the future I'll blog about them.  They are some pretty special people, and I'm so blessed to have them in our lives.)  God has provided.  We got in the car after I got that $30 in groceries, and the kids and I all prayed and thanked God together.  Thanks to those other people, we didn't end up only eating mac & cheese, and we were able to get more fresh produce.  God has been providing.  That $25 in gas lasted until we had money to get more.  I am not kidding, drove 3 miles, and the whole time, my van said 19 miles to empty.  It never changed and it should have.  I pulled into the gas station, and we thanked God for that.  It shouldn't have lasted that long with all the things we have going on. 

I truly believe God provided.  If people want to think I'm crazy, that's ok with me.  I'm learning.  I'm learning humility.  I'm learning I can't do it on my own.  I am learning to be thankful in all circumstances, even when it's hard.  I'm learning just how important that daily time with my God is for me.  I'm learning to trust. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart."

Crummy things happen because we live in a fallen world, but those bad things aren't from God.  But I believe he takes these bad things, and uses them for our good.  Sometimes these things that seem like they are harming us are huge growth opportunities that cause us to prosper later.  And quite frankly, if I'm seeking God with all of my heart, like verse 13 says, I'm already prospering.  If the most important lesson I learn from this is to fully trust in the Lord, I'm prospering.