Trust

This morning, as I was praying, I experienced something I have never experienced this way. I was praying about my fears, and let's add a new one shall we? Yesterday afternoon I was thinking about how we've been trying to find Nick a new job for so long now. I am afraid of God saying no to something new and being stuck where we are. It scares me. I know if he got a new job, it'd make getting a new(er) vehicle easier. I know it'd make parenting slightly easier (because it's never an easy task!) because we'd both be here. I know it'd make paying off our debts slightly easier. Our lives would change. That's not to say we still wouldn't have our struggles because we would. A new job wouldn't solve all of our problems. It wouldn't even necessarily solve the current issues. It would just help them. So now I'm afraid of God saying no.

I was going to wait to share this till the end, but it's such a big part of my journey right now, that I'm going to. I know a few of you already know and have been praying, and I appreciate it so much. Your prayers are working. I have been doing the Daniel Fast with Nick and I think around 10 other people at church. I haven't said anything publicly because it's such a personal thing, and I don't want any of the focus on me. I want it to draw me closer to God. And it is. Before this fast began, we were told to pick a focus. We chose Nick's job search since that is something that is so huge for us right now. I feel like God just keeps pulling back all these layers and when it comes down it, I have some pretty major trust and fear issues. I talked about fear a little yesterday. And like I said above, we just added a new one. I am afraid of God saying no and being stuck where we are. I was praying this morning before I even opened my devotional book because this fear has been consuming since yesterday evening. I guess I thought I'd have felt more direction from God one way or the other by now. I don't know why, we were only a week into the 21 day journey. I am growing and learning and God is peeling back layers of hurt, fear, and distrust. But I have felt nothing one way or the other about this job search. I have been a little confused, and confusion is not from God. In one devotion, it talks about how if we believe, truly believe, it will happen. But what if we believe and it's not God's will? I'm still trying to sort through this. I love doing this, and I feel like God is doing something, but not how I was expecting.

So back to this morning. I was praying about my fears and my distrust. I felt God say, "Just trust me." Not in an audible voice, but in the depths of my heart. I was taken by surprised. And then I questioned if it was really God or a voice in my head. Satan is really trying to defeat me here, and I believe he was trying to get me to question whether or not it was really God. I told God it's so hard for me to trust because the majority of people in my life has broken my trust in some way. Obviously that's to be expected. We are all human. But how do we learn to trust when all we have known is broken trust? I want to trust God with everything I have. I opened my book and began to read, and one paragraph stood out to me. The author is talking about being politically correct in God's kingdom. She wrote:

If I were politically correct in a Kingdom of God sense and a full-fledged member in the "holy nation," I would have total trust in my King, believing His every word and following His every lead. My heart would be full of peace, and I would make love my aim. I would believe more, worry less, and have complete confidence in my future no matter what condition the economy is in or if my circumstances look dark or threatening."

Trust. Believing. Complete confidence. Those words keep popping out, even as I look at it now. That is what I want. I have to start somewhere. I do trust God, but not to the extent I should. In my human-ness, I still want to have some control. I figure the only place to start is to start saying, "I trust you, Jesus" outloud. My hope is the more I say it, the more I will be able to. I want that complete confidence. I want God to heal all the brokenness I have when it comes to trust. Only he can do that.

So, dear friends, please keep praying. I can't even say how, but keep praying because God is moving!