Waiting

Waiting...

I'm not good at it.  I'm not very patient.  I'm a control freak.  I need to know what's going to happen.  I need a plan.  I need to know well in advance.  I think God is really trying to teach me something here.  All through January and most of February, He has been working on my heart about fear and trust.  We've had some situations that initially caused a lot of fear, but I'm learning to trust.  It's hard because my trust has been broken by so many.  I put walls up.  But God is tearing them down, brick by brick and showing me I can trust him. 

Trust is a choice I have to make each and every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  I don't let go of things easily.  When things don't go the way I think it should, I often get angry or upset.  This week we found out Nick didn't even get an interview for a job he applied for. A job that would change so much for our family.  I never felt like this particular job was going to happen.  I'm not sure why, but I always had a feeling it wouldn't work out.  It didn't make the news of it any easier because I was hoping my feeling was wrong.   So here we are, back to waiting.

Waiting.  Again.  I feel like we've been waiting for so long.  Sometimes I see people get a new job, and I feel like I'm waving at God saying, "Hey, what about us?"  Or I see people get a better work schedule so they can have more family time, and again, I feel like I'm waving my arms at God saying, "Hey, don't forget us!" Or when we hear someone say they've paid off all their debt, I'm again waving like a lunatic.  "God, that's our goal!  Why can't we do that too?"  While I am happy for those people, it's sometimes hard to hear those things when we've been praying for so long for those exact same things.  We just keep waiting.

And it appears that we are going to be waiting even longer.  Interestingly enough, through January and into much of February, at least one of the devotional readings I did would be on faith and trust and fear.  OK, God.  I get it.  You are teaching me about placing my faith and trust in You.  For the past few days, it seems like scripture about waiting on the Lord keeps popping up.  Even Proverbs 31 Ministries posted this as their daily devotional a couple of days ago. 

I dont' know why we have to keep waiting.  We don't have to be wealthy.  We just want to be able to meet our needs, pay off our debt, and if I'm honest, be able to take our kids on a trip every once in a while.  Our last vacation was six years ago when we went to see my parents.  We want to be able to give when a need arises.  We want Nick to be able to be home with our family more and and be able to enjoy family life a little bit.  I don't know why we have to keep waiting.  Maybe that wasn't the right job for Nick.  Maybe God was protecting us from something we can't see right now.  Maybe we still have more to learn right where we are at.  Maybe God has something better when the time is right.  Maybe we are right where he wants us. 

I don't understand any of it, but the verse I learned back in 4th or 5th grade caravan keeps coming back to me:

Trust in the Lord with your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do, an dhe will show you which path to take."  Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT)

I may not ever understand any of it, but I believe God has a plan.

Today, the verse of the day on my Bible app is God's way is perfect.  All the Lord's promises prove true.  He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.  Psalm 18:30 (NLT)

Sometimes fear of the unknown tries to creep back in.  I want to try to take control again.  But the reality is, it's out of my control.  I have to leave this at the feet of Jesus.  We can do our part to pray about it and even apply for jobs when they come up, but we can't make them happen. 

So here we are again.  Waiting.  Trusting.  Believing. 

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not grow faint.  Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)

Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.  Psalm 27:14