Update

It’s hard to believe I haven’t blogged since the end of July.  It’s not because I didn’t want to, but there is something going on with my laptop, and for whatever reason, whenever I try to create a new blog, there is no place to post it, only the title.  I’m actually writing this in a Word document, emailing it to myself and then copying and pasting it using the desktop in the cold basement. 

So much has changed since the last time I was able to blog. 

In August, three of our four kids went to school.  Kylee is in 1^st grade, Elijah in kindergarten, and Adleigh is in her first year of head start.  They are all thriving, and they have some pretty wonderful teachers.  I couldn’t be any happier with where they are at. 

We celebrated our 8^th anniversary and Kylee’s 7^th birthday in September.  September 30^th ended Nick’s nearly seven months of unemployment when he was hired (again) at Cigna.  We took a pay cut, but it got us off unemployment.  I don’t know if anyone has total job security anymore, but there is more security in a job that pays less than in unemployment.  I also ran my first 10K in September in Chicago.  It was my running goal for the year, and the furthest distance I have run.   I loved every bit of it, felt so accomplished, and finally meeting that goal just felt good.  On my goal list for 2014-the Women Rock Chicago half marathon!  I can’t wait!

Elijah turned six in October and had his special pancake party at grandma’s house.  I also won a contest with a local, talented photographer, so we got our family pictures done at Perry Farm.  If I could do all this on my laptop, I’d post a bunch, but I can’t till we get this issue fixed.  At the beginning of November, Nick and I ran the Chicago Hot Chocolate 5K.  We both finished with faster times than we anticipated (although I don’t remember exactly what they were).  He actually did better than I did and he had no training.  What in the world?  I spent months running, and he didn’t and went out there and did three or four minutes faster.  I was really proud of him for doing it though because I don’t think he likes running the way I do, and he only did it because I wanted him to.  Maybe I should convince him to do the 15K next year?  HA! 

December, as usual, has been a busy month.  We had the 3 year olds/preschool/kindergarten program at church.  Elijah and Adleigh were both in that, and so cute!  And they both remembered their lines!  I was pretty impressed.  The next week we had our adult program at church, which went well.  It was different from anything we have done before, and the message was beautiful.  Adleigh turned four and then eight days later Micah turned two.  How is my baby two already?  On one hand, I’m a little sad of all the things we are done with, but on the other it’s nice to get rid of a lot of stuff, and to know that diapers aren’t going to be a part of our family for that much longer (hopefully no more than 6 months!). 

Christmas has come and gone now.  I think the favorite gift of all was the $6 hula hoop.  Santa probably could have just brought four hula hoops and been done with it.  Well, maybe not since Micah and Adleigh are a little small for it, but still.  I stressed so much about Christmas this year because of the pay cut, but in the end, our kids were so happy with what they got.  They didn’t get the latest, greatest gadgets.  No Nintendo DS, no tablets, no latest game system, but they were happy and content and grateful. 

Kylee has been saving money for months, including all birthday money she got for a Kindle Fire HD.  We agreed to pay half as her birthday present when she saved up her half, and guess what-thanks to a gift card we got we finally (after all their birthdays and Christmas) had our share together, and we surprised her with it.  She worked so hard for it, and didn’t want anything else for her birthday.  The look on her face when she got it was priceless and etched in my memory. 

2013 comes to an end in 36 hours.  It’s hasn’t been my favorite year by far.  It’s actually been one of the most difficult.  We have learned a lot this year, but I’m looking forward to putting 2013 behind us and moving forward into 2014.  I’m praying for a break from some of the hard lessons we’ve had to learn this year.  I’m praying for a great year.  I am looking forward to my first niece being born in the spring.  I’m excited to accomplish new goals.  I can’t wait to experience the joys of our kids when we get to go on little adventures.  I’m already looking forward to my best friend bringing her oldest daughter to visit and us taking Kylee and Arianna to the American Girl doll store in Chicago.  I look forward to at least one trip to Michigan this year, and hopefully two.  I’m excited to be a part of our church family and seeing what God does in the life of Kankakee 1^st Church in the coming year.  This church is not the same as it was a few years ago.  It is remarkably different, and it’s amazing.  

The Fat Sister

A couple of months ago, I got a call from our local Maurice's store.  I had won a Splurge Party which is a private shopping party.  I set the date, invited friends, and couldn't wait to shop.  I need clothes that actually fit me, so this was a great opportunity.  I met two friends and my sister at the store just after closing and we had the whole store and all the employees to ourselves.  It was so much fun!  They just kept loading us up with clothes, mostly things I would have never thought to try on but ended up loving!!!

At some point during all of our fun, my sister, Nikki, had someone take a picture of us.  I saw something I haven't seen in a long time.  For years, I have felt like the fat sister.  I've always been bigger than my sisters, but somewhere along the way, I lost myself.  I began to believe I wasn't worth it.  I'm sure there are a lot of factors that play into that, but that would just make this so much longer and probably boring.  I began to hate me. It didn't matter if I ate what I wanted and how much I ate.  I didn't care about myself.  And the end result of not caring was this:

Sure, in this picture I had just had a baby, but even in pregnancy, I never had to look like this.  I chose it.  A couple of months after Micah was born, I had some sort of revelation that I really was worth it.and I needed to make some changes.  I can't tell you the date, but I do remember it was a Sunday afternoon and I was upstairs putting clothes away.  I was just feeling so down on myself.  I didn't hear it in an audible way, but more written across my heart that God was saying, "Rachel, you ARE worth it.  I made you and I love you.  That's what matters."  When we got our tax refund that year, we immediately ordered the Beach Body workout Insanity.  OH MY WORD!  Insanity is right!  It is sooooooo hard.  I felt like I was going to throw up after doing it each day.  Working out is hard.  Eating better (we are still so far from perfect here, but trying) is hard when the boxed foods are so much easier.  Finding time when I had a baby who wanted mommy ALL THE STINKING TIME made it the most difficult.  But it was all worth it to see the picture of my sister and me at Maurice's.  

For the first time in I don't even remember how long, I didn't look at this picture and think of myself as the fat sister.  I saw this picture and saw how my hard work was paying off.  I can wear things I couldn't wear before.  Yes, I'm still bigger than my sister.  I probably always will be because we are built differently.  My goal isn't to get skinny, it's to get healthy.  There's nothing wrong with being skinny if you're healthy, so don't get me wrong there.  But I have a purpose now.  I now know that I am worth it, not because anyone else says I am, but because God says I am and I need to treat my body that way.  I am not going to look at myself and see the fat sister anymore.  I'm looking at the progress I've made and seeing how happy I look here.  I am NOT the fat sister anymore.  I am a person loved by the God of the universe.  

We don't take vacations, but we still have fun

We never go on vacations.  There are six of us.  Can you imagine how expensive that would be?  We would like to when we are able to, but for now, we do something in place of big week or so long vacations.  When we get our tax refund back each year, we purchase memberships to Brookfield Zoo and a Chicago museum.  Last year, our museum membership was at Shedd Aquarium.  It was a lot of fun when we went, and the kids loved seeing the sea creatures. 

February 2012 at Shedd.   Micah was only 2 months old, so he was likely in the stroller or attached to me.

 

One of the things I love about being close to Chicago is we have access to so many different things.  We wanted to alternate our museum memberships.  We don't think our kids are ready for the Art Institute right now, and we think they might do ok at the Field Museum, but after talking to several people, the Museum of Science and Industry seemed to be the best option for us this year.  There is so much they can do hands on!  The last time I went was on a high school trip 15 years ago and I didn't remember much of it at all. 

 

We bought our membership in February, and haven't had a chance to go, but finally went yesterday.  It was so much fun.  Micah really loved getting all wet in the Idea Factory.  I made a mental note to take a change of clothes for him next time!  The boys loved the room with the trains.  The girls weren't impressed, but as soon as Micah saw the big train, he started yelling, "choo-choo!"  They got to see some chicks that were still in eggs, one that was starting to hatch, some newly hatched chicks, and some that had been hatched a while.  Kylee got to see the back of her hand under a microscope.  I really loved the weather room.  There was so much we still haven't gotten to see and do.  We can't wait to go back on Father's Day!  It was fun seeing the kids get involved in what they were seeing.  I'm really hoping to see the Animals Inside Out exhibit next time!!!  I added up the cost of tickets and parking (we get free parking with our membership) and it only takes two visits to pay for our membership, so it was a great deal for our family.

 

Right now, we don't do big vacations, but all the days that add up between the zoo and museum is a vacation all spread out.  We also get to take an extra person to the zoo and the museum so other people can benefit too.  We get to share these experiences with our friends and family! 

 

Below are pictures from our zoo visit on Mother's Day and yesterday's visit to MSI.

Three of our four, my two nephews, and my brother-in-law

Easton and Adleigh checking out the camels

Micah found the giraffes.

They got to see a giraffe up close and personal!  It was pretty neat!

One of my favorites-the Okapi

We have a similar picture from a year ago.  I want to take one each year and see how they grow.

So sweet

We think Micah will be our engineer.

Having a race to see whose water reaches the top first.

 

I'm a work in progress

I’m a work in progress.  I think we are meant to be that way until our lives on earth are complete.  God is still working in me.  He will always be working in me as long as I allow it.  More often than not, it’s a difficult process.  But I’m a work in progress. 

Nick and I are doing a read the Bible through in a year (in chronological order) plan on the Bible app on our phones.  How many times have I read the Ten Commandments, but I was still slapped in the face when I read “You must not covet your neighbor’s house.  You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.” Exodus 20:17 (NLT)  Ouch.  I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.  Often it’s difficult to hear when someone gets a new job or a promotion when we are searching for a job.  It sucks when someone years younger than us buys a house and we are still renting.  Or when friends go buy a new (or newer) vehicle, and we’re stuck with this crummy 2002 minivan that seems to have a problem every time we turn around, has over 156,000 miles, and smokes because we have an antifreeze leak. 

God has been working on me for months to just trust him, yet I still hold onto stuff like this.  I still want what my “neighbor” has.  I want that house, that car, that job for my husband.  Now, in addition to trust, God is working on me in the area of contentment.  I feel like God is saying, “Rachel, it doesn’t matter what that person has.  Be thankful for what you do have.  You’re being ungrateful.”  Ungrateful and disobedient apparently.  I was looking at what everyone around me has, but not being thankful for what we do have and how God has provided.  Ungrateful.  I was violating one of the 10 commandments.  Disobedience. 

I believe God has a plan for us.  I know he has the right job for Nick and will provide it in just the right time.  But for now I am thankful for his part time job at Monicals and unemployment checks.  Our van might be old and in need of repairs or replacing, but we have a van that runs and gets us where we need to go.  We might rent instead of owning our house, but we have a place to call home.  I have four healthy kids.  I have a husband who works hard and loves me unconditionally.  We have a great church family and support system.  We have great friends.  This morning on my run, I was listening to some Christian contemporary music on Pandora, and I don’t even know what song came on, but it put me in a spirit of gratefulness.  I started praying and thanking God for all these things.  I felt so much better after that.  Coveting what I cannot have right now does nothing but cause me to be negative.  Being thankful was a great start to my day, and I KNOW that God has a plan for us.  I still have dreams of having a house of our own someday, or a car that is a little newer, and I think dreams are ok.  But I’m not feeling bad about it, and I’m not wondering “why them and not us.”  I’m a work in progress.  I don’t doubt I’ll have my “off” days, but I am thankful that my God has so much grace, and that, when I fail, He’ll be there to help me back up again.

Right where we're supposed to be

A little over a year ago, March 2012 to be exact, we walked into a school for the very first time to pre-register our firstborn for kindergarten.  While I was excited that she had gotten into the fine arts magnet program, I was still nervous and anxious.  Kylee had been in my care probably about 99% of the time since she'd been born.  I was excited for her because I knew she was going to love school.  She had been watching schoo buses go by and asking to go to school since she was three, if not sooner.  There were times when homeschooling crossed my mind, but it was never something we truly felt called to do.  We had prayed about this.  I had prayed.  We knew in our hearts that our kids are supposed to go to public schools.  Sending kids to school takes on a whole new form of trust.  Kylee is no longer with me for six and a half hours a day.  I have to trust that God has her in the exact place she is supposed to be.  We are nearing the end of our first year of school, and I have absolutely no doubts that she is exactly where she is meant to be. 

Kylee has a teacher who is perfect for her.  She has made some pretty great friends.  She's learning so much, and reading far beyond what I ever expected.  She's learning sign language.  I have been able to get involved too.  I had no idea what these new changes would bring us.  Having a kid in school takes us into the next phase.  For nearly six years, I had been at home, and had all my kids with me.  Now one was gone much of the day.  We made a decision when Kylee was a baby that it was important for me to be home.  It was actually the best decision financially considering how expensive daycare is!  I wasn't sure how my role would change as they start heading off to school one by one.  I sometimes joke and say I look forward to the day they are all in school because I'll have a clean house for a few hours a week.  Truth is, I do look forward to in in some ways.  After this year, I've learned that I get to be involved, just in different ways.  I get to do class parties, volunteer in the classroom, meet and get to know the kids in her class, meet and get to know some of the parents, and even go on field trips.  Until a few weeks ago, I never knew how much I'd love and look forward to spending a few hours with 28 kindergarteners!  I love the hugs I get when I leave on Friday mornings.   I've gotten to help on the PTO and meet some pretty great ladies.  I love it.  I love every bit of it.  I look forward to having two there next year.  I know Elijah will do well in Mrs. Alvey's class next year. 

I love this new phase of life.  I am excited for what the future holds.  I don't want my kids to grow up so fast, but I am not afraid of this phase anymore.  I am glad to have the opportunity to be involved.   I have absolutely no doubts that this is exactly where we are supposed to be right now.

Friends ready for their art show

Serving snacks at the art show.

My favorite!

Sometimes

I've avoided blogging because I have nothing to update on really.  We are still job searching and have had almost no leads.  Nick had one interview, but he didn't get the job.  I wasn't heart-broken about it.  It paid so little, we'd have to go on every form of government help possible and he'd have to try to pick up more hours at Monicals in order to just survive.  It was also third shift which would have meant sleeping all day, going to Monicals, then to that job.  We'd never see him and we'd be in under the poverty level.  I'm blogging today because it's therapeutic for me, and I promised myself I'd be real. 

This is one of the hardest experiences we've had to go through.  We have four young kids and no full-time income.  Most of the time I'm ok, and I truly know that God has His hand in all of this.  But I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't cry and beg God for a job that will sufficiently support our family.  I don't ask to be rich.  I don't care if we never are, I just want to be able to support our family.    I cry a lot in the secret of the shower or when Nick's at Monicals because I don't want him to think I blame him. Sometimes I'm facedown on the floor crying out from the depths of my soul.  Some days I feel like I keep watching all of our dreams slip away slowly.  We are in our early thirties and we still rent a house.  We want to have our own home so much.  We want a place with a yard where our kids can safely play.  If you've seen our yard, you know what I mean.  We live on a fairly busy corner with a teeny yard that's got hedges but no fence.  Micah and Adleigh could climb right between some of the hedges.  I want to be investing in our family instead of someone else's home.  Renting has it's perks in some ways, but we just want a place that is ours.  We want to be able to pay off our old debts and Olivet bills.  I guess I never felt like those were lofty dreams, but they seem to be so far away.  Sometimes it feels like those dreams will never come true.

Most days it feels easy to trust God and know that He has our lives and our family in His hands.  God has been working on me so much in the areas of fear and trust over the past four months, and I've come so far.  But there are moments when it tries to creep back in.  Sometimes I fear that we will have to relocate, which is something we don't want to do.  Sometimes it takes so much for me to let go of that fear.  Sometimes I can pray through it.  Other times I have to send a text or email to some friends to pray me through. 

There is so much unknown right now.  I hate it.  I hate the unknown.  I like to have a plan.  I like to know what's going on.  I don't like the uncertainty of unemployment.  I don't know what's next for us.  I hate that. 

But here's what I do know.  God has a plan for us.  When we are on the other side of this, we'll see how much we've grown and how God used this to help us.  I have a husband who loves me and our kids so much.  I have four amazing children who don't seem to have any idea of any of this uncertainty.  We have family and friends and a church family who are willing to pray for us at the drop of a hat.  ALL of our needs have been met so far, so we have no reason to believe they won't be. 

We are pressing on.  We are trusting, even when it's hard, even when it seems like God is silent.  We are learning.  We are growing.  We are seeking.

Look the the Lord and His strength.  Seek His face always.  Psalm 105:4

WOW!!!!!

It all started about a year ago with the prayer conference our church held.  I knew I should go, but I refused.  I knew exactly what would happen if I went, and I wasn’t ready.  Or maybe I just liked the control I felt and didn’t want to feel vulnerable.  Thank goodness someone started praying for me weeks before the 2012 conference even happened because I might not have gone at all otherwise.  I knew I couldn’t go to the daytime sessions.  I had four kids five and under, and Micah was only four months old.  I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from him for most of two days, and he refused to take a bottle, so it wouldn’t have worked anyway.  But I knew I could go to the evening sessions.  There was childcare, and Micah could go right into the service with me just like he did on Sunday mornings.  On Tuesday night, I found an excuse.  I don’t even remember what it was now, but I came up with something to avoid going.  Wednesday night was a little harder.  We are always at church on Wednesday nights, so what excuse would I have?  Well, I made a phone call at just the right time knowing it would go well past 7:00.  I was being disobedient to the Lord, and the bad part is, I knew it.  I was doing it deliberately.  I was saying no way, God!  To be honest, I was perfectly content in my lukewarm spiritual life, I’m sad to admit. 

That Wednesday night I got a phone call about an issue, so I, without thinking, emailed one of our pastors about it.  She sent me a response that made me wonder what was happening.  She told me I should go Thursday night to the final service.  I think I told her I’d think about it.  I wanted to come up with an excuse, but I was so curious.  I packed the kids up (Nick was working) reluctantly and we went.  I think I went a couple minutes late so I could sneak in the back hoping to go unnoticed.  I walked into that sanctuary, and I kid you not, the presence of God was so thick it impossible to avoid or ignore. 

The worship time was great.  I don’t remember if there was any preaching.  I really don’t.  The next thing I remember was my mother-in-law coming toward me, telling me to hand Micah to someone and wanting to pray with me.  If you know us, you know we’ve had a fairly rocky relationship.  I wasn’t helping matters at all by holding onto 6 ½ years of bitterness and anger.  Over SIX years.  In a single moment it was all gone.  I was able to forgive and let it all go.  I cannot tell you just how freeing that felt.  It is indescribable.  It doesn’t mean our relationship has been perfect since then.  We are human beings.  We are so imperfect.   But it’s so much better to forgive and work through it than to hold onto it and be bitter and angry.  It’s better for our whole family.  I’m a better person now all because someone loved me enough to pray for me.

That started a big change in my life.  I have lived most of my life in complete fear.  Fear of everything.  I heard a noise, I’d freak out.  Someone took the same roads behind me at night to our neighborhood, I thought they were following me home.  Anything bad that happened, I immediately went to the worst case scenario.  I was having panic attacks.  At one point, something happened and I told my husband I refused to tithe anymore because we needed that money more than God.  He hated that, but he did it.  I think we compromised and tithed on his tips. 

Fast-forward to the end of December 2012.  Something happened with Monicals, and Nick couldn’t deliver for a month.  I had so much fear about losing that income.  I was angry at first, but made a hard (for me) decision to trust in the Lord and look for what good could come from that.  By the end of the month, yes, we were ready for our normal income again, but I found my faith had increased.  God had provided every single need, and even some wants through other people.  God gave us more time with the man of our house.  Nick got to take Kylee on a date to a school event. 

February came and went uneventfully.  March started off smoothly, then we received that seemingly devastating news that Nick had lost his full-time job.  When you have four kids to take care of, it seems so impossible.  I can’t say I wasn’t angry because I was.  But at least this time I wasn’t angry with God like I had been in the past.  I didn’t understand.  But we decided to trust in God and whatever his perfect plan might be, and I have no regrets.  We have been praying for a new job for a long time, and maybe this is part of the process for us.  But I have to believe there is more.  I prayed for ways to trust God more so my faith would grow.  Well, I got exactly what I asked for because I have no choice but to trust!  Looking back, I believe that God used our January situation to help prepare me for this job loss.  I didn’t say I think God caused it.  I don’t think God causes bad things.  I think He can bring good from bad situations and use them for His glory.

The last couple of days we had the opportunity to attend a prayer conference our church was holding.  It was only through God using other people that we could attend because the tickets weren’t cheap (nothing is when you’re unemployed!) and we needed childcare for two days.  God provided the tickets and childcare through others, and it was two of the most amazing days!  I can’t even begin to describe it.  If you were there, you understand why I say that.  If you weren’t, come next year and you’ll understand.  I saw walls torn down between people.  I saw forgiveness and reconciliation in a situation that we all thought was impossible.  We once again learned that with God, ALL things are possible.  I saw people get healed!  I have grown up in the church my whole life and never seen or experienced the presence of God like I did this week.  My life was changed.  My husband’s life was changed.  Our marriage was healed in areas I didn’t even realize needed healing!  Our family will forever be changed.  I saw God answer a prayer I’ve had for a long time.  Prayer changes things!  It really does!  And corporate prayer?  WOW!  WOW!  WOW!  Things happen when we pray together as a body!  I can say from my personal experience that I am FREE from my fears.  And if the enemy tries to sneak my fears back in, I know I have people who will pray with and for me.  I know I have an access to a much higher power.  I am free!  I may sound like a total lunatic.  I don’t care. 

I am learning to trust in my God so much more than I have ever been able to before.  I have had a hard time doing that in the past, but I’m doing it now.  There are so many unknowns for us right now, but I am trusting God will provide our needs, and in the right time, he will provide the right job for Nick.  I KNOW he has a plan for us.  I have no reason to doubt.  I'm not content being lukewarm anymore. I have seen God at work in some mighty ways this week.  I’ve seen the impossible happen.  Prayer changes things.  The prayers of that one person a year ago changed me.  That person is someone who is now a good friend and a mentor.  God heard her prayers.  If the prayers of one person make such a difference, you should see the power of prayer when many are together!