Learning

Over the course of the last two weeks, we've been learning some tough lessons.  After an incident with Monicals, Nick's tip money, which is a significant part of our income was not happening for the month of January.  (Sidenote-we still love Monicals, the situation just isn't fun).  That tip money was supposed to be our grocery money for the last week.  That tip money was supposed to be our gas money too.  We had already used Nick's previous check to pay on some other bills, or we may have been able to rearrange things.  At first I was so angry.  And scared.  I kept looking at these four little people who depend on us to provide for them.  How on earth was I going to feed them and put gas in the car on a grand total of $60??  We did everything we could to fight the situation, but it did no good.  I was freaking out.  Due to some other issues, I was spiraling downward into depression.  I had not felt this way in about six years.  I had my first anxiety attack in a couple of years.  Then nearly had another, but somehow managed to breathe through it.

After realizing our current situation was not going to change, I had a choice to make.  I could be angry.  I could spend my days crying and wondering what to do.  I still felt the situation was unfair considering another person at Monicals had a similar incident and they let him off with a slap on the wrist, but that was beside the point.  I couldn't change that either.  I realized that I was relying on US to provide for our children.  I was relying on our own strength.  I had to let go of that.  I had to let go of the fear and the anger.  It wasn't helping me.  It wasn't helping my husband or kids.  In an effort to bring something good to my brain, I picked up Growing Grateful Kids by Susie Larson off my "to read" stack of books.  She talks of a time that was rough for them and when she got in the car after getting groceries, before they left the parking lot, she told her boys they were going to thank God for their food and that they have a choice in what they eat.  Another time, she said they had nothing but one big pancake for all of them to share.  And they thanked God for that.  Philippians 4:19 says, "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." (NLT).  I was so glad she put that verse in the very first chapter of her book.  It's what I needed.  On page 28 of her book, she writes,
But it's in our places of desperate need that Jesus makes himself known.
When our strength is unequal to the task, we see the strength of God come to bear in our lives.  And when what we hold in our hand falls short of the need before us, we can keep perspective because we have a place to go with our need.  We have a God who makes up where we lack.  We have an engaged Father who lovingly provides for us.  We have reason to be thankful.

Those words weren't about growing grateful kids in that moment.  They were meant for me.  There is a reason I hadn't picked this book up sooner.  God knew I needed it in this exact time.  I'm embarrassed to admit, I had not cracked open my Bible or devotional book for the entire month of December, and even before Thanksgiving.  No wonder I was feeling so down.  I was trying to do everything on my own, without the power of God.  But I was still hesitant.  Why?  I don't even know.  How was God going to supply all of our needs on only $60 to get us through till the next pay day when we would have our grocery and gas back in our budget?  I had no idea.

The day after reading this, I took the kids to gymnastics.  On the way home, I thought maybe it would lift my spirits a little if they told me what they were grateful for.  I asked Kylee to go first.  She said Jesus.  Elijah said our family.  Adleigh said snow to play in (except she hasn't had a chance to play in it because we've barely had any).  We decided Micah was probably most thankful for mama's milkies.  They asked me what I was thankful for.  I told them I was thankful for daddy and how he loves us so much he works really hard for us.  The best part was, they didn't want to stop there.  They wanted to keep saying what they were thankful for till we got home.  I was impressed that at 3, 5, and 6, not one time were they thankful for toys.  With the exception of snow, it was all stuff like family, friends, having a home, having food, our church, etc.  If they "get it" at such a young age, why was it hard for me?  I knew my attitude had to change right then and there. I owed it to my kids.  I owed it to my husband.  I owed it to God.

I picked up my Bible and my copy of Jesus Calling.  I started the online devotions with the she reads truth community again.  Each day, they say exactly what I need to hear.  I don't believe it's coincidence.  On January 4 in Jesus Calling, I was challenged.  To start, it says, "I WANT YOU TO LEARN A NEW HABIT.  Try saying, "I trust you, Jesus" in response to whatever happens to you."  In the next paragraph it says, "Adverse circumstances become become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in Me no matter what."  WOW!!!!  Could I really say "I trust you, Jesus" out loud?  Because in saying in saying it, I had to do it.  I knew I had to work up the courage to say it and do it.  I had to put this lack of tips under the feet of Jesus and trust that he would make a way.  It might not be easy, but I had to do it.  And I did.  Each time I said it, I felt more at peace. 

I don't know what all God is trying to teach us, but we are learning.  We are learning to trust that God will provide all of our needs.  I took that $60, put $25 of gas in the van.  I took $30 and I bought food to last a week.  It might not have been the healthiest options-lots of mac & cheese and spaghetti, and less produce than usual, but I walked out with enough food to get us by.  No extras, but God didn't say he'd provide our extras.  He said he'd provide our needs.  Our needs were covered.  He did provide one of my "extras" though.  When we have to cut things out of our budget, my monthly Starbucks allowance is the first to go.  It's not a necessity.  I had already received a pound of Christmas Blend coffee as a gift from one of my December sisters, but another sent me a Starbucks giftcard.  When I went to get a coffee with it, the barista working the drive thru window thought they took too long and gave me a coupon for a free drink.  I already had another coupon.  The giftcard and two free drinks covered four drinks.  It's not a necessity, but God provided.  Someone sent us a check, and someone else a giftcard.  I got some sweet, uplifting cards in the mail.  All from my wonderful December sisters.  (Sometime in the future I'll blog about them.  They are some pretty special people, and I'm so blessed to have them in our lives.)  God has provided.  We got in the car after I got that $30 in groceries, and the kids and I all prayed and thanked God together.  Thanks to those other people, we didn't end up only eating mac & cheese, and we were able to get more fresh produce.  God has been providing.  That $25 in gas lasted until we had money to get more.  I am not kidding, drove 3 miles, and the whole time, my van said 19 miles to empty.  It never changed and it should have.  I pulled into the gas station, and we thanked God for that.  It shouldn't have lasted that long with all the things we have going on. 

I truly believe God provided.  If people want to think I'm crazy, that's ok with me.  I'm learning.  I'm learning humility.  I'm learning I can't do it on my own.  I am learning to be thankful in all circumstances, even when it's hard.  I'm learning just how important that daily time with my God is for me.  I'm learning to trust. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart."

Crummy things happen because we live in a fallen world, but those bad things aren't from God.  But I believe he takes these bad things, and uses them for our good.  Sometimes these things that seem like they are harming us are huge growth opportunities that cause us to prosper later.  And quite frankly, if I'm seeking God with all of my heart, like verse 13 says, I'm already prospering.  If the most important lesson I learn from this is to fully trust in the Lord, I'm prospering.