Pickleball. Am I Too Old For This?
7 months ago
Friday, December 12, 2008
Down in the Dumps
Do you ever get to the point where it seems like no matter how hard you try, nothing seems to go right? It seems like things just keep spinning out of control until they are so far gone, it seems like there are no ways to fix it? It feels like a downward spiral. I want to go up, not down, and now matter how hard I cling and try to climb, I keep going down. I don't know what is left to do. I have been on my knees, in tears, literally crying out to God. I feel as if my prayers are falling on deaf ears. I hope that God is hearing me and will soon give me an answer.
Friday, November 14, 2008
This mom is a little behind
Today I set out to do what I've been dreading for months-buy Elijah a new carseat. Of course, it is my second choice since my first choice is nearly $300, but Graco is tried and true, therefor, I will take the $80 Graco ComfortSport over the $280 Britax Marathon. You can be sure my husband is the reason I'm going with the less expensive one. I would prefer to just stash money away to get the other. I thought about the Graco Nautilus because it is only $150, but Elijah is still under 20lbs and needs to be rear-facing, and I will probably keep him that way for a while.
So anyway, back to my dreaded purchase (I only dread it because it means he's not a baby anymore). Nick dropped me off at Target while he went to get some dog food for Barrett. I made my way back to the carseats only to find the only ComfortSport they had in stock was a pink one. No thank you! I'm not a fan of pink to begin with, though I would let Kylee have a pink one, but no boy of mine will spend the next few years sitting in a pink carseat! No way! I don't even dress him in pink. I wasn't happy but slightly relieved that I get to make my little man stay a baby just a little longer. Tomorrow we check again. If they don't have it there, we will check Walmart and Sears.
This is a rather superficial post, but I haven't posted in a while, hence the carseat post. I know I'm a little behind. My little boy is now 13 months, and he is still in his infant carrier. But he's so tiny he hasn't met the height or weight limit yet. But we know what this means...new carseat means it's time for a new Cunningham baby! Well, not yet, but since we want them fairly close together, perhaps there will be an announcement in the spring or summer! Only time will tell!
So anyway, back to my dreaded purchase (I only dread it because it means he's not a baby anymore). Nick dropped me off at Target while he went to get some dog food for Barrett. I made my way back to the carseats only to find the only ComfortSport they had in stock was a pink one. No thank you! I'm not a fan of pink to begin with, though I would let Kylee have a pink one, but no boy of mine will spend the next few years sitting in a pink carseat! No way! I don't even dress him in pink. I wasn't happy but slightly relieved that I get to make my little man stay a baby just a little longer. Tomorrow we check again. If they don't have it there, we will check Walmart and Sears.
This is a rather superficial post, but I haven't posted in a while, hence the carseat post. I know I'm a little behind. My little boy is now 13 months, and he is still in his infant carrier. But he's so tiny he hasn't met the height or weight limit yet. But we know what this means...new carseat means it's time for a new Cunningham baby! Well, not yet, but since we want them fairly close together, perhaps there will be an announcement in the spring or summer! Only time will tell!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Respect
Respect. All night I have been thinking about this. I feel like there are so many people in our lives that don't respect us. They don't respect the decisions we have made. I know there are people who don't like that we have chosen for me to stay home with our children. Think think it's horrible that Nick is working two jobs. They think I should have a real job. Although anyone who says a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) isn't a real job has never been home with two toddlers all day! I am more worn out now than I ever was when I worked, and I worked two jobs for six months in 2005. Nick and I have talked at great length and prayed about our decision. Let me tell you something that I have never shared with anyone.
I used to want a career. I felt called by God to be a SAHM, but I ran from that calling for years. I saw how much my parents struggled trying to raise four kids on one income. It wasn't easy, and it's not for most people. However, one day I stopped running and God's desire became my desire. I wanted to stay home. I didn't want my kids spending 8 or 9 hours a day in someone elses care. I wanted to be that someone. Thankfully, God gave me a husband who shared that vision. Maybe someday I'll have a career, maybe I won't, but if I don't, I want what my parents had. No, I would prefer that we didn't have the hardships, but unless Nick is offered a ginormous raise, we will definitely have financial hardships. What I want is the happiness my parents had and still have. I want that genuine joy. Maybe someday we'll get the best of both worlds, maybe not, but that is in God's hands, not mine. I just want to be respected for our decision. And I'll tell you a little secret: I offered many many times to get an evening job so Nicholas could be home. He doesn't want to do that. He feels that God has called him to be the financial provider for our family. This is what works for US.
I wish we could be respected for my decision to not only breastfeed, but do extended breastfeeding. I understand that breastfeeding isn't for everyone. That is a choice we made because we felt it was the best one for our children. I actually had a family member tell me it was gross. I don't understand it, but that is their opinion. I wish even more that people would respect my decision for extended nursing. I know nursing past a year isn't the norm in the United States, but again, it is MY decision to make. I made the decision with my husband based on what we thought was best for our family. It would be so traumatizing to ween Elijah when he is clearly not ready. No one knows my son better than I do.
I wish people would respect our choices for children. Let me just clear the air now. Yes, we want more, and no we do not plan on waiting four or five years to add to our family unless that is GOD'S plan. We have been criticized because we want a big family and we want our kids closer together (not necessarily all 13 months apart like Kylee and Elijah, though). We have a vision for our family, and whether or not others agree, Nicholas and I do.
There were some that definitely didn't agree with our decision to start having children so early in our marriage. Sometimes we just have plans that seem to go against what so many believe is the "right way" to do things. We chose not to wait a year or so. Kylee was on purpose. We were married, and we made the decision together. Sometimes God has other plans. Elijah was a huge surprise to us, and contrary to what some may believe or have heard, I was ON birth control. Had he been born due a few weeks later, that would have been a different story. I was actually pregnant before we left for Arizona, but didn't know it. Keep in mind that sometimes things happen that are out of our control, but in God's, and even when you don't agree, keep in mind it may not have been our plan either. But man, look at that little boy and we can't imagine life without him. God knows so much better than us. Kylee and Elijah are our most precious gifts, and surprise or not, I am so thankful for them.
I will say I am very grateful for my parents who raised me to do what I believe is God's will regardless of what others say. I grew up very independent, and have had to learn interdependence. I was always very independent, so that was a process for me. I am thankful for parents who probably have many opinions of our choices, but keep those opinions to themselves unless asked. I'm thankful for the respect my parents have for us. I have no doubt in my mind they had their opinions when we decided to return back to Chicago from Tucson. Perhaps they thought it was the best thing for us, or perhaps they wanted their beloved grand-daughter (and now grandson too) nearby.
Some think we've made mistakes in our lives, and admittedly, we have, but not the way they think. There are people out there who think that there is only one way to do things. Oh boy are there SO many people out there like that, particularly from a specific generation. They think because something didn't work for them that it won't work for us. Maybe they missed the memo that we are all different people and some things that don't work for one person might actually work for someone else? Maybe some of the things we choose to do will turn out to be a mistake, but wouldn't it be better for everyone to let it go and let us learn from our mistakes? I imagine it is so difficult for our parents to do this because they want to protect us, but I don't want the protection. It is no longer their job to protect me. I just want them to love and respect me. I want them to let us make our choices, if they work, fabulous, if they don't, we learn for it. Sure, we may need a little help here and there, but who doesn't? And when we do, let us ask for it with no strings attached, no "I told you so's," just love.
Nick and I made a decision once that was not well-received. I was accused of not having a very close family. Contrary to what that particular person said, it is quite the opposite. I come from one of the closest families most people would ever see. Just spend an hour at a family gathering and you won't have a difficult time seeing that. I can talk about things with my aunts and grandma that so many wouldn't consider talking about other than with their best friend or mom. The things we share, the things we pick at, the way we tease each other. Honestly, I have yet to be around a family where I've seen as much love and acceptance. Nick and I weren't even dating the first time he met my family and he was welcomed in with open arms, and they treated him like he had always been a part of the family-sometimes a scary thing with Uncle Mike and Uncle Pete! =) What that person didn't understand was while my family is VERY close (ask Nick, he'll tell you we are much closer than most families-all ), we have a mutual respect. We are close, but we don't nag at each other about choices we've made. In my mom's family she is the middle of 5 kids, there are 19 grandchildren, and 6 (with two more on the way) great-grandchildren. In my dad's family he is the youngest of 9 kids, and there are way more grandchildren and great-grandchildren. There is absolutely NO WAY we could all agree with each others choices. No way at all. But you know what? I love each and every one of them so much, and really, their choices are not my business. If they ask, I'll tell them. If they don't, oh well. It's not my business. There are times where I slip...it happens. But I'm really working on not sharing my opinions unless asked.
To end this insanely long blog, I guess I could say is all I want is respect. I want people to respect the decision we have made for our marriage, our children, our family as a whole. We are not children anymore. We are adults coming close to the age of 30 in the next couple years. We will most definitely make mistakes when making some decisions. We are already paying the consequences of choices we made in the past. That's the way life goes. Sometimes those consequences are so difficult, but it makes us that much stronger. Some of our decisions will be the best one for us, even if it isn't for someone else. We have our family's best interest at heart. We don't want to hurt our marriage or our children. Sometimes the decisions we make are going to seem hurtful to others, and often those are going to be some of the most difficult decisions. They don't make us bad people. They make us a husband and wife, parents, who want to do what WE think is best for OUR family. I have no doubt my parents were hurting when we left Arizona. I imagine it had to be quite difficult for them to watch us back out of their driveway. And I don't enjoy hurting my parents. Quite the opposite in fact. One of my biggest fears has always been disappointing them. That is the perfectionist, first-born coming out in me. I don't want them to hurt. But that was the best decision for us. We can't think of every other person in our lives when we make a decision or we'd be living for everyone else and we'd be absolutely miserable and probably on the road to divorce. We have learned to make our decisions prayerfully, and to do what is the best fit for our little (hopefully big someday) family.
We are doing our best to center our lives around Christ, starting with our marriage, and then our children. I want my children to feel what I did growing up. My parents put each other first, and I felt so secure in their love. They have been examples for my entire 28 (almos 29) years of what a marriage should be. I want my kids to feel that same security. I want my kids to know their parents are in it for life, and we make the choice every day to love each other more than we did the day before. That's not to say we won't face difficulties. Everyone does. But we will still be in love, and choose to love one another.
All I want is to feel respected. Respected as an adult, as the wife of my husband, as the mother to my children, as a woman, as a person.
I used to want a career. I felt called by God to be a SAHM, but I ran from that calling for years. I saw how much my parents struggled trying to raise four kids on one income. It wasn't easy, and it's not for most people. However, one day I stopped running and God's desire became my desire. I wanted to stay home. I didn't want my kids spending 8 or 9 hours a day in someone elses care. I wanted to be that someone. Thankfully, God gave me a husband who shared that vision. Maybe someday I'll have a career, maybe I won't, but if I don't, I want what my parents had. No, I would prefer that we didn't have the hardships, but unless Nick is offered a ginormous raise, we will definitely have financial hardships. What I want is the happiness my parents had and still have. I want that genuine joy. Maybe someday we'll get the best of both worlds, maybe not, but that is in God's hands, not mine. I just want to be respected for our decision. And I'll tell you a little secret: I offered many many times to get an evening job so Nicholas could be home. He doesn't want to do that. He feels that God has called him to be the financial provider for our family. This is what works for US.
I wish we could be respected for my decision to not only breastfeed, but do extended breastfeeding. I understand that breastfeeding isn't for everyone. That is a choice we made because we felt it was the best one for our children. I actually had a family member tell me it was gross. I don't understand it, but that is their opinion. I wish even more that people would respect my decision for extended nursing. I know nursing past a year isn't the norm in the United States, but again, it is MY decision to make. I made the decision with my husband based on what we thought was best for our family. It would be so traumatizing to ween Elijah when he is clearly not ready. No one knows my son better than I do.
I wish people would respect our choices for children. Let me just clear the air now. Yes, we want more, and no we do not plan on waiting four or five years to add to our family unless that is GOD'S plan. We have been criticized because we want a big family and we want our kids closer together (not necessarily all 13 months apart like Kylee and Elijah, though). We have a vision for our family, and whether or not others agree, Nicholas and I do.
There were some that definitely didn't agree with our decision to start having children so early in our marriage. Sometimes we just have plans that seem to go against what so many believe is the "right way" to do things. We chose not to wait a year or so. Kylee was on purpose. We were married, and we made the decision together. Sometimes God has other plans. Elijah was a huge surprise to us, and contrary to what some may believe or have heard, I was ON birth control. Had he been born due a few weeks later, that would have been a different story. I was actually pregnant before we left for Arizona, but didn't know it. Keep in mind that sometimes things happen that are out of our control, but in God's, and even when you don't agree, keep in mind it may not have been our plan either. But man, look at that little boy and we can't imagine life without him. God knows so much better than us. Kylee and Elijah are our most precious gifts, and surprise or not, I am so thankful for them.
I will say I am very grateful for my parents who raised me to do what I believe is God's will regardless of what others say. I grew up very independent, and have had to learn interdependence. I was always very independent, so that was a process for me. I am thankful for parents who probably have many opinions of our choices, but keep those opinions to themselves unless asked. I'm thankful for the respect my parents have for us. I have no doubt in my mind they had their opinions when we decided to return back to Chicago from Tucson. Perhaps they thought it was the best thing for us, or perhaps they wanted their beloved grand-daughter (and now grandson too) nearby.
Some think we've made mistakes in our lives, and admittedly, we have, but not the way they think. There are people out there who think that there is only one way to do things. Oh boy are there SO many people out there like that, particularly from a specific generation. They think because something didn't work for them that it won't work for us. Maybe they missed the memo that we are all different people and some things that don't work for one person might actually work for someone else? Maybe some of the things we choose to do will turn out to be a mistake, but wouldn't it be better for everyone to let it go and let us learn from our mistakes? I imagine it is so difficult for our parents to do this because they want to protect us, but I don't want the protection. It is no longer their job to protect me. I just want them to love and respect me. I want them to let us make our choices, if they work, fabulous, if they don't, we learn for it. Sure, we may need a little help here and there, but who doesn't? And when we do, let us ask for it with no strings attached, no "I told you so's," just love.
Nick and I made a decision once that was not well-received. I was accused of not having a very close family. Contrary to what that particular person said, it is quite the opposite. I come from one of the closest families most people would ever see. Just spend an hour at a family gathering and you won't have a difficult time seeing that. I can talk about things with my aunts and grandma that so many wouldn't consider talking about other than with their best friend or mom. The things we share, the things we pick at, the way we tease each other. Honestly, I have yet to be around a family where I've seen as much love and acceptance. Nick and I weren't even dating the first time he met my family and he was welcomed in with open arms, and they treated him like he had always been a part of the family-sometimes a scary thing with Uncle Mike and Uncle Pete! =) What that person didn't understand was while my family is VERY close (ask Nick, he'll tell you we are much closer than most families-all ), we have a mutual respect. We are close, but we don't nag at each other about choices we've made. In my mom's family she is the middle of 5 kids, there are 19 grandchildren, and 6 (with two more on the way) great-grandchildren. In my dad's family he is the youngest of 9 kids, and there are way more grandchildren and great-grandchildren. There is absolutely NO WAY we could all agree with each others choices. No way at all. But you know what? I love each and every one of them so much, and really, their choices are not my business. If they ask, I'll tell them. If they don't, oh well. It's not my business. There are times where I slip...it happens. But I'm really working on not sharing my opinions unless asked.
To end this insanely long blog, I guess I could say is all I want is respect. I want people to respect the decision we have made for our marriage, our children, our family as a whole. We are not children anymore. We are adults coming close to the age of 30 in the next couple years. We will most definitely make mistakes when making some decisions. We are already paying the consequences of choices we made in the past. That's the way life goes. Sometimes those consequences are so difficult, but it makes us that much stronger. Some of our decisions will be the best one for us, even if it isn't for someone else. We have our family's best interest at heart. We don't want to hurt our marriage or our children. Sometimes the decisions we make are going to seem hurtful to others, and often those are going to be some of the most difficult decisions. They don't make us bad people. They make us a husband and wife, parents, who want to do what WE think is best for OUR family. I have no doubt my parents were hurting when we left Arizona. I imagine it had to be quite difficult for them to watch us back out of their driveway. And I don't enjoy hurting my parents. Quite the opposite in fact. One of my biggest fears has always been disappointing them. That is the perfectionist, first-born coming out in me. I don't want them to hurt. But that was the best decision for us. We can't think of every other person in our lives when we make a decision or we'd be living for everyone else and we'd be absolutely miserable and probably on the road to divorce. We have learned to make our decisions prayerfully, and to do what is the best fit for our little (hopefully big someday) family.
We are doing our best to center our lives around Christ, starting with our marriage, and then our children. I want my children to feel what I did growing up. My parents put each other first, and I felt so secure in their love. They have been examples for my entire 28 (almos 29) years of what a marriage should be. I want my kids to feel that same security. I want my kids to know their parents are in it for life, and we make the choice every day to love each other more than we did the day before. That's not to say we won't face difficulties. Everyone does. But we will still be in love, and choose to love one another.
All I want is to feel respected. Respected as an adult, as the wife of my husband, as the mother to my children, as a woman, as a person.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Looking back
Lindsay recently posted a blog on some incredible time she got to spend just being in the presence of God. It took me back five years to a time I had like that. Not that there haven't been other good times being with God, but this particular time always sticks out to me. I was in the end of my fifth and final year at Olivet. It was spring and it was getting close to graduation. I had to put myself through Olivet, and Olivet is not a cheap school to attend. Thankfully I had a few scholarships, grants, and a LOT of loans.
This particular year, though, I was still short at the end of the year. I knew that they would not give me my cap and gown till my bill was completely paid. If it wasn't paid, I wouldn't be walking at graduation, and I wouldn't receive the degree I worked five years to earn till it was paid. I believe I was around $1400 short, and I made a nice $6.50 an hour in the music department. I don't think I made $1400 the whole year, much less in just a few weeks!
On particular day, I was feeling down about it. My grandparents were coming to graduation so I had to walk! I got in my junky 92 Buick LeSabre and headed for the Kankakee State Park. I took my Bible, journal, pen and highlighter with me. I spent some time talking to God. Not like we do when we're praying in church, but it felt like a conversation with God. I really felt like I was sitting right in the presence of God.
It was a cloudy day, that I will never forget. My time there was ending because they are only open for dinner for so long. As I sat there, I watched the sky. There were grey clouds covering, but then I saw a little opening and some blue sky and a little sun peaked through. I know it may seem crazy to some, but I really felt like it was a sign from God that everything would be ok. Not necessarily that I'd suddenly have the money needed, but that God was in control and I could just let go of it and have peace about it no matter what happened.
God did provide through some very generous people, some of which I know, but one person covered the last half of it and I didn't even know him or his wife. I just got called in to student accounts one day and they said an alumni couple wanted to cover the last of my bill and a few other students who also needed it to graduate.
It reminds me of a song by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir:
God is Still Doing Great Things.
Are you standing in need of a miracle today?
Even doctors don't know what to do.
God is able to make a way from no way.
He's still able to carry you through.
If we would just learn to trust and obey
we'd find that our Savior turns darkness into day.
He alone can handle the challenges life brings.
God is still doing great things.
God is still doing great things.
His power has never changed.
Yes, God is able to transform your life.
God is still doing great things.
If we let God's power work deep within
He's able to do more than we comprehend.
He alone can handle the challenges life brings
God still doing great things.
God is still doing great things.
His power has never changed.
Yes, God is able to transform your life.
God is still doing great things.
Great things, I know he'll do it
If you have a need I know He's able.
If you need healing for your soul,
If you need to be made whole.
My God is able, he's still able.
Yes, God is able to transform your life.
God is still doing great things.
Yes, God is able to transform your life.
God is still doing great things.
This particular year, though, I was still short at the end of the year. I knew that they would not give me my cap and gown till my bill was completely paid. If it wasn't paid, I wouldn't be walking at graduation, and I wouldn't receive the degree I worked five years to earn till it was paid. I believe I was around $1400 short, and I made a nice $6.50 an hour in the music department. I don't think I made $1400 the whole year, much less in just a few weeks!
On particular day, I was feeling down about it. My grandparents were coming to graduation so I had to walk! I got in my junky 92 Buick LeSabre and headed for the Kankakee State Park. I took my Bible, journal, pen and highlighter with me. I spent some time talking to God. Not like we do when we're praying in church, but it felt like a conversation with God. I really felt like I was sitting right in the presence of God.
It was a cloudy day, that I will never forget. My time there was ending because they are only open for dinner for so long. As I sat there, I watched the sky. There were grey clouds covering, but then I saw a little opening and some blue sky and a little sun peaked through. I know it may seem crazy to some, but I really felt like it was a sign from God that everything would be ok. Not necessarily that I'd suddenly have the money needed, but that God was in control and I could just let go of it and have peace about it no matter what happened.
God did provide through some very generous people, some of which I know, but one person covered the last half of it and I didn't even know him or his wife. I just got called in to student accounts one day and they said an alumni couple wanted to cover the last of my bill and a few other students who also needed it to graduate.
It reminds me of a song by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir:
God is Still Doing Great Things.
Are you standing in need of a miracle today?
Even doctors don't know what to do.
God is able to make a way from no way.
He's still able to carry you through.
If we would just learn to trust and obey
we'd find that our Savior turns darkness into day.
He alone can handle the challenges life brings.
God is still doing great things.
God is still doing great things.
His power has never changed.
Yes, God is able to transform your life.
God is still doing great things.
If we let God's power work deep within
He's able to do more than we comprehend.
He alone can handle the challenges life brings
God still doing great things.
God is still doing great things.
His power has never changed.
Yes, God is able to transform your life.
God is still doing great things.
Great things, I know he'll do it
If you have a need I know He's able.
If you need healing for your soul,
If you need to be made whole.
My God is able, he's still able.
Yes, God is able to transform your life.
God is still doing great things.
Yes, God is able to transform your life.
God is still doing great things.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
What-ifs and Forgiveness
I am getting close to the end of reading The Shack. It has changed my perspective of God. I think it's something anyone who believes in God should read. In that, I've made some changes, and frankly, I'm getting tired of people (myself included) feeling sorry for themselves all the time and ranting and raving about it. When you put things into perspective, I bet we all have pretty good lives compared to others around us.
This weekend I learned our friend has cancer. His wife is a very good friend of mine. They went to the hospital for blood clots and found testicular cancer that has spread to the kidneys, lymph nodes and abdomin. While there, my friend found out her mom broke her neck. Last week my friend broke her foot. They have been struggling with fertility for years. This is an extremely trying time for them, but you know what? She said her husbands spirits were pretty high. He got some devastating news and he was still joyful.
I'm learning to be more thankful for what I do have instead of getting angry at the bad. My husband and kids are healthy. My husband spends many hours on the roads in the evenings, rain, shine, tornadoes, snow storms, and has had many close calls because of other stupid drivers. But I can't dwell on what could have happened or what might happen in the future. I pray for him and his safety every single day. I pray for the dumb drivers around him. I could sit home scared everynight that a police officer is going to come to my door and tell me something bad happened. But I will not allow myself to do that.
I am thankful that I have my healthy children. They are healthy and safe. I heard of a close call recently that another friend of mine almost lost one of her children. Someone wanted to take her child right in front of her. But she acted quickly and did not. There are so many everyday that lose their children to death or to predators. I know a family in our church who has lost two children-one due to an illness, another soon after birth.
I think about the community we are reaching out to as a church and how most of the kids in the school district we are working with don't even have the money for pencils for school. I am thankful that although we don't have much money, we do have the money for things like that, or day trips to Chicago sometimes, or weekend trips to Michigan a few times a year. Even the fact that we don't have to eat Ramen noodles everyday is a blessing!
There are so many other stories of people that have had horrible horrible things happen, yet they do not dwell on it. Yet most of us dwell on the what-if's. I'm done dwelling on the what-ifs. I will do what I can to protect my family, but we live in a fallen, evil world. God does not make bad things happen. He allows some of them to happen, but for the things he allows, he uses it for good. And I'm confident that God stops a lot more things from happening than we give him credit for. I don't want bad things to happen to my family, and I hope they don't. But some things I cannot prevent. I pray for them, and will continue to pray for them everyday.
This can all bring into question forgiveness. Yes, time is too short to not forgive. Forgiveness frees our heart. It lets go. However, I do not for one minute believe that forgiveness means you have to jump back into a relationship with those who have hurt you. Sometimes it works and it's great, other times, when the same things happen over and over and over, it's just plain stupidity. There have been many things that have happened to us, specifically by one person, and I know that person has told a LOT of people, and not told the entire story, because many have come back to me and questioned it. That is why we generally keep our mouths shut. If it's in a safe setting, we may talk because we're hoping our experience can help someone else. But to reiterate, it's not that I haven't forgiven, it's that I am not stupid enough to allow that misery back into my life at this time. I have prayed extensively about this and feel that God has said to let it go into his hands, leave it there, and do nothing but pray right now. So that is what I am doing.
This weekend I learned our friend has cancer. His wife is a very good friend of mine. They went to the hospital for blood clots and found testicular cancer that has spread to the kidneys, lymph nodes and abdomin. While there, my friend found out her mom broke her neck. Last week my friend broke her foot. They have been struggling with fertility for years. This is an extremely trying time for them, but you know what? She said her husbands spirits were pretty high. He got some devastating news and he was still joyful.
I'm learning to be more thankful for what I do have instead of getting angry at the bad. My husband and kids are healthy. My husband spends many hours on the roads in the evenings, rain, shine, tornadoes, snow storms, and has had many close calls because of other stupid drivers. But I can't dwell on what could have happened or what might happen in the future. I pray for him and his safety every single day. I pray for the dumb drivers around him. I could sit home scared everynight that a police officer is going to come to my door and tell me something bad happened. But I will not allow myself to do that.
I am thankful that I have my healthy children. They are healthy and safe. I heard of a close call recently that another friend of mine almost lost one of her children. Someone wanted to take her child right in front of her. But she acted quickly and did not. There are so many everyday that lose their children to death or to predators. I know a family in our church who has lost two children-one due to an illness, another soon after birth.
I think about the community we are reaching out to as a church and how most of the kids in the school district we are working with don't even have the money for pencils for school. I am thankful that although we don't have much money, we do have the money for things like that, or day trips to Chicago sometimes, or weekend trips to Michigan a few times a year. Even the fact that we don't have to eat Ramen noodles everyday is a blessing!
There are so many other stories of people that have had horrible horrible things happen, yet they do not dwell on it. Yet most of us dwell on the what-if's. I'm done dwelling on the what-ifs. I will do what I can to protect my family, but we live in a fallen, evil world. God does not make bad things happen. He allows some of them to happen, but for the things he allows, he uses it for good. And I'm confident that God stops a lot more things from happening than we give him credit for. I don't want bad things to happen to my family, and I hope they don't. But some things I cannot prevent. I pray for them, and will continue to pray for them everyday.
This can all bring into question forgiveness. Yes, time is too short to not forgive. Forgiveness frees our heart. It lets go. However, I do not for one minute believe that forgiveness means you have to jump back into a relationship with those who have hurt you. Sometimes it works and it's great, other times, when the same things happen over and over and over, it's just plain stupidity. There have been many things that have happened to us, specifically by one person, and I know that person has told a LOT of people, and not told the entire story, because many have come back to me and questioned it. That is why we generally keep our mouths shut. If it's in a safe setting, we may talk because we're hoping our experience can help someone else. But to reiterate, it's not that I haven't forgiven, it's that I am not stupid enough to allow that misery back into my life at this time. I have prayed extensively about this and feel that God has said to let it go into his hands, leave it there, and do nothing but pray right now. So that is what I am doing.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
We've started something new lately. We signed up for Angel Food Ministries, so we've decided to start doing a meal schedule for the month. We decided in an effort to save money, it'd be better to do that so we know what we're having lessening the temptation to go run through a drive through. Currently we are allowing for 1 night a month for eating out, but it will most likely be Monicals since Nick works there and we can get a large pizza for 1/2 off. It's been nice knowing ahead of time what we're going to have. I like it a lot.
Elijah is going to be 9 months old on Sunday. It's really hard to believe. The past 9 months have flown by. It seems to go by much faster the second time around. Today he stood alone. I stood him up, let go and he stood there for about 10 seconds. He did this twice. He was clapping in Kroger earlier and saying "Yay!" He now says mama, yay, hi, and I think he said bye the other day. I really don't think he's too far from walking!
Kylee is definitely in her terrible twos phase and she's not even two yet! She tests boundary after boundary. She always knows she'll get in trouble because she starts crying and runs the other way immediately! She is doing cute things too. She thinks our last name is honeyham. When we ask her what her name is she says "TY-Yee! When we ask what Elijah's name is, she says "Ja-ja!" The other day I asked her where Buddy (Elijah) was and she put her finger on her chin and said "Hmmmm." I have NO idea where she learned that, but it was so cute!
Nick is working a lot, so we enjoy the nights we have with him. I try to do most of our running while he's at work so we can minimize it when he's home, but at least once a week we need something when he's home. I'm hoping this is not going to be a permanent situation. I look forward to the day when he can be home with us in the evenings. I believe that it WILL happen, I just don't know when.
Elijah is going to be 9 months old on Sunday. It's really hard to believe. The past 9 months have flown by. It seems to go by much faster the second time around. Today he stood alone. I stood him up, let go and he stood there for about 10 seconds. He did this twice. He was clapping in Kroger earlier and saying "Yay!" He now says mama, yay, hi, and I think he said bye the other day. I really don't think he's too far from walking!
Kylee is definitely in her terrible twos phase and she's not even two yet! She tests boundary after boundary. She always knows she'll get in trouble because she starts crying and runs the other way immediately! She is doing cute things too. She thinks our last name is honeyham. When we ask her what her name is she says "TY-Yee! When we ask what Elijah's name is, she says "Ja-ja!" The other day I asked her where Buddy (Elijah) was and she put her finger on her chin and said "Hmmmm." I have NO idea where she learned that, but it was so cute!
Nick is working a lot, so we enjoy the nights we have with him. I try to do most of our running while he's at work so we can minimize it when he's home, but at least once a week we need something when he's home. I'm hoping this is not going to be a permanent situation. I look forward to the day when he can be home with us in the evenings. I believe that it WILL happen, I just don't know when.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
TOOTH!
Guess what happened at our house today? We got a tooth! And it wasn't Kylee this time! Elijah got his first tooth. I could see it trying to come through this morning, and sometime during his nap, it actually popped through. I can't believe it. Kylee got her first tooth when she was 11 months old! I was hoping he'd be the same since I'm still breastfeeding, but I guess I'll have to deal with it. My boy is growing up WAY too fast!
We've been discussing the money issues. Today Nick said he's going to look for other jobs, and even if he has to work three jobs, he doesn't want me to have to work. Hopefully that would just be temporary, if at all necessary, but I would like it if he got something so he could leave Aurelio's. They don't pay enough enough to cover the gas he uses to deliver, plus the owners aren't very nice. He's trying to get into Monicals. At Aurelio's, they pay a flat 75 cents a delivery, but there are exceptions when it's a little further. At Monical's, they get 58 cents a mile. I figure out if he did 10 deliveries that were all five miles away, he'd make 7.50 at Aurelios, but he'd make $29 at Monicals. We've heard someone is leaving Monical's so he's already got his application in. He also applied at Target today. I said I'd get a job too, but again, the numbers just don't make sense to pay a babysitter. We are going to use his tip money next week and his next Aurelio's check for our trip to Michigan in a couple weeks. I would cancel it, but my cousin is going to be there for the last time before he goes to Iraq and I really want to see him. Please keep praying for us. I'm having a really hard time keeping the faith right now. I'm doing my best though. I really want to lean on God and I"m trying, but it's so hard for me to just say, "Ok, I know we're going to be ok" when the numbers on our bank
My party is on Monday night and I can't wait! It sounds like we're going to have a pretty good turnout. Now if I could just manage to make sure we have some food! I'm thinking simple finger foods or cookies or something. As long as we can keep the bathroom, living room, and kitchen picked up, we should be good as far as cleaning! I do want to get my room put back together. There are still books everywhere because I"m trying to figure out what should stay and what can stay boxed up for now.
Here's my song for today. It's by Prestonwood Church Choir
So many times I've questioned certain circumstances,
Things I could not understand.
Many times in trials, weakness blurs my vision
That's when my frustration gets so out of hand.
But it's then I am reminded that I've never been forsaken.
That I've never had to stand one test alone, no.
Then I look at all my victories
and the Spirit rises up in me,
and it's through the fire, my weakness is made strong.
Oh yeah!
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy,
that the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered our vict'ries without fighting
but he said help would always come in time.
Just remember when your standing
in the valley of decision
and the adversary says give in,
Just hold on, my God will show up, yeah
and he will take you through the fire again.
I know within myself that I would surely perishBut if I trust the hand of God, He’ll shield the flames again, again
And He never promised the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climbJust hold on, our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire againJust hold on, our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire again
We've been discussing the money issues. Today Nick said he's going to look for other jobs, and even if he has to work three jobs, he doesn't want me to have to work. Hopefully that would just be temporary, if at all necessary, but I would like it if he got something so he could leave Aurelio's. They don't pay enough enough to cover the gas he uses to deliver, plus the owners aren't very nice. He's trying to get into Monicals. At Aurelio's, they pay a flat 75 cents a delivery, but there are exceptions when it's a little further. At Monical's, they get 58 cents a mile. I figure out if he did 10 deliveries that were all five miles away, he'd make 7.50 at Aurelios, but he'd make $29 at Monicals. We've heard someone is leaving Monical's so he's already got his application in. He also applied at Target today. I said I'd get a job too, but again, the numbers just don't make sense to pay a babysitter. We are going to use his tip money next week and his next Aurelio's check for our trip to Michigan in a couple weeks. I would cancel it, but my cousin is going to be there for the last time before he goes to Iraq and I really want to see him. Please keep praying for us. I'm having a really hard time keeping the faith right now. I'm doing my best though. I really want to lean on God and I"m trying, but it's so hard for me to just say, "Ok, I know we're going to be ok" when the numbers on our bank
My party is on Monday night and I can't wait! It sounds like we're going to have a pretty good turnout. Now if I could just manage to make sure we have some food! I'm thinking simple finger foods or cookies or something. As long as we can keep the bathroom, living room, and kitchen picked up, we should be good as far as cleaning! I do want to get my room put back together. There are still books everywhere because I"m trying to figure out what should stay and what can stay boxed up for now.
Here's my song for today. It's by Prestonwood Church Choir
So many times I've questioned certain circumstances,
Things I could not understand.
Many times in trials, weakness blurs my vision
That's when my frustration gets so out of hand.
But it's then I am reminded that I've never been forsaken.
That I've never had to stand one test alone, no.
Then I look at all my victories
and the Spirit rises up in me,
and it's through the fire, my weakness is made strong.
Oh yeah!
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy,
that the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered our vict'ries without fighting
but he said help would always come in time.
Just remember when your standing
in the valley of decision
and the adversary says give in,
Just hold on, my God will show up, yeah
and he will take you through the fire again.
I know within myself that I would surely perishBut if I trust the hand of God, He’ll shield the flames again, again
And He never promised the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climbJust hold on, our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire againJust hold on, our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire again
Friday, May 9, 2008
Celebrate Life
I'm judging Celebrate Life at Olivet today. I'm wishing that I would have said no. I don't really want to leave my kids that long. 2-4 hours is one thing, but 7?!?! I have only left them that long once, and that was when we were in Tucson moving our stuff and my parents watched them. I know some people don't mind leaving their kids for several hours at a time, and that's fine for them. But we chose for me to stay home so I was the one with them all day. I'd rather have to hire a babysitter for a date night than to sit through speeches, drama, miming, etc. all day long. Not to mention, Elijah still won't take a bottle so if he won't take it from my sister, she has to bring him up to me. Dave must've been pretty desperate to be ok with me breastfeeding while judging! I know people probably think we're weird because we hardly ever leave our kids with anyone, but really, we enjoy taking them with us. An occasional date night would be fun, but we are extremely picky about babysitters and I trust very few people with my kids based on some experiences we've had. I already miss them. =(
It's hard to believe how fast Kylee and Elijah are growing. Kylee is going to be two in September. It doesn't seem possible. I love to watch her play and feed her baby dolls..then try to feed me. =) She tried to brush Elijah's teeth (even though he has none) with her dora toothbrush the other day. She gagged him instead, but at least she thought he needed a clean mouth! She's trying to count. I think her favorite number is two. She's finally starting to say one, but we used to say one and she'd say two. She says "TEEWOOO!" when she wants to jump off something.
I can't believe Elijah is crawling, sitting up, pulling up, and cruising. He's not even 7 months old! He was doing it all around the six month mark, give or take a few days depending on the milestone. I fear he will be walking before we're ready for it. He's having a hard time sleeping right now. Last night he was up from 12-2am. NOT FUN! I would tell him to go to sleep, which obviously he doesn't quite understand, but he would just look up at me with those hazel eyes and a big smile. How can I resist those eyes and smile? He's my sweetie pie that's for sure!
Well, I suppose it's time for me to actually get ready to go. Nikki will be here soon.
It's hard to believe how fast Kylee and Elijah are growing. Kylee is going to be two in September. It doesn't seem possible. I love to watch her play and feed her baby dolls..then try to feed me. =) She tried to brush Elijah's teeth (even though he has none) with her dora toothbrush the other day. She gagged him instead, but at least she thought he needed a clean mouth! She's trying to count. I think her favorite number is two. She's finally starting to say one, but we used to say one and she'd say two. She says "TEEWOOO!" when she wants to jump off something.
I can't believe Elijah is crawling, sitting up, pulling up, and cruising. He's not even 7 months old! He was doing it all around the six month mark, give or take a few days depending on the milestone. I fear he will be walking before we're ready for it. He's having a hard time sleeping right now. Last night he was up from 12-2am. NOT FUN! I would tell him to go to sleep, which obviously he doesn't quite understand, but he would just look up at me with those hazel eyes and a big smile. How can I resist those eyes and smile? He's my sweetie pie that's for sure!
Well, I suppose it's time for me to actually get ready to go. Nikki will be here soon.
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