Sometimes

I've avoided blogging because I have nothing to update on really.  We are still job searching and have had almost no leads.  Nick had one interview, but he didn't get the job.  I wasn't heart-broken about it.  It paid so little, we'd have to go on every form of government help possible and he'd have to try to pick up more hours at Monicals in order to just survive.  It was also third shift which would have meant sleeping all day, going to Monicals, then to that job.  We'd never see him and we'd be in under the poverty level.  I'm blogging today because it's therapeutic for me, and I promised myself I'd be real. 

This is one of the hardest experiences we've had to go through.  We have four young kids and no full-time income.  Most of the time I'm ok, and I truly know that God has His hand in all of this.  But I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't cry and beg God for a job that will sufficiently support our family.  I don't ask to be rich.  I don't care if we never are, I just want to be able to support our family.    I cry a lot in the secret of the shower or when Nick's at Monicals because I don't want him to think I blame him. Sometimes I'm facedown on the floor crying out from the depths of my soul.  Some days I feel like I keep watching all of our dreams slip away slowly.  We are in our early thirties and we still rent a house.  We want to have our own home so much.  We want a place with a yard where our kids can safely play.  If you've seen our yard, you know what I mean.  We live on a fairly busy corner with a teeny yard that's got hedges but no fence.  Micah and Adleigh could climb right between some of the hedges.  I want to be investing in our family instead of someone else's home.  Renting has it's perks in some ways, but we just want a place that is ours.  We want to be able to pay off our old debts and Olivet bills.  I guess I never felt like those were lofty dreams, but they seem to be so far away.  Sometimes it feels like those dreams will never come true.

Most days it feels easy to trust God and know that He has our lives and our family in His hands.  God has been working on me so much in the areas of fear and trust over the past four months, and I've come so far.  But there are moments when it tries to creep back in.  Sometimes I fear that we will have to relocate, which is something we don't want to do.  Sometimes it takes so much for me to let go of that fear.  Sometimes I can pray through it.  Other times I have to send a text or email to some friends to pray me through. 

There is so much unknown right now.  I hate it.  I hate the unknown.  I like to have a plan.  I like to know what's going on.  I don't like the uncertainty of unemployment.  I don't know what's next for us.  I hate that. 

But here's what I do know.  God has a plan for us.  When we are on the other side of this, we'll see how much we've grown and how God used this to help us.  I have a husband who loves me and our kids so much.  I have four amazing children who don't seem to have any idea of any of this uncertainty.  We have family and friends and a church family who are willing to pray for us at the drop of a hat.  ALL of our needs have been met so far, so we have no reason to believe they won't be. 

We are pressing on.  We are trusting, even when it's hard, even when it seems like God is silent.  We are learning.  We are growing.  We are seeking.

Look the the Lord and His strength.  Seek His face always.  Psalm 105:4

WOW!!!!!

It all started about a year ago with the prayer conference our church held.  I knew I should go, but I refused.  I knew exactly what would happen if I went, and I wasn’t ready.  Or maybe I just liked the control I felt and didn’t want to feel vulnerable.  Thank goodness someone started praying for me weeks before the 2012 conference even happened because I might not have gone at all otherwise.  I knew I couldn’t go to the daytime sessions.  I had four kids five and under, and Micah was only four months old.  I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from him for most of two days, and he refused to take a bottle, so it wouldn’t have worked anyway.  But I knew I could go to the evening sessions.  There was childcare, and Micah could go right into the service with me just like he did on Sunday mornings.  On Tuesday night, I found an excuse.  I don’t even remember what it was now, but I came up with something to avoid going.  Wednesday night was a little harder.  We are always at church on Wednesday nights, so what excuse would I have?  Well, I made a phone call at just the right time knowing it would go well past 7:00.  I was being disobedient to the Lord, and the bad part is, I knew it.  I was doing it deliberately.  I was saying no way, God!  To be honest, I was perfectly content in my lukewarm spiritual life, I’m sad to admit. 

That Wednesday night I got a phone call about an issue, so I, without thinking, emailed one of our pastors about it.  She sent me a response that made me wonder what was happening.  She told me I should go Thursday night to the final service.  I think I told her I’d think about it.  I wanted to come up with an excuse, but I was so curious.  I packed the kids up (Nick was working) reluctantly and we went.  I think I went a couple minutes late so I could sneak in the back hoping to go unnoticed.  I walked into that sanctuary, and I kid you not, the presence of God was so thick it impossible to avoid or ignore. 

The worship time was great.  I don’t remember if there was any preaching.  I really don’t.  The next thing I remember was my mother-in-law coming toward me, telling me to hand Micah to someone and wanting to pray with me.  If you know us, you know we’ve had a fairly rocky relationship.  I wasn’t helping matters at all by holding onto 6 ½ years of bitterness and anger.  Over SIX years.  In a single moment it was all gone.  I was able to forgive and let it all go.  I cannot tell you just how freeing that felt.  It is indescribable.  It doesn’t mean our relationship has been perfect since then.  We are human beings.  We are so imperfect.   But it’s so much better to forgive and work through it than to hold onto it and be bitter and angry.  It’s better for our whole family.  I’m a better person now all because someone loved me enough to pray for me.

That started a big change in my life.  I have lived most of my life in complete fear.  Fear of everything.  I heard a noise, I’d freak out.  Someone took the same roads behind me at night to our neighborhood, I thought they were following me home.  Anything bad that happened, I immediately went to the worst case scenario.  I was having panic attacks.  At one point, something happened and I told my husband I refused to tithe anymore because we needed that money more than God.  He hated that, but he did it.  I think we compromised and tithed on his tips. 

Fast-forward to the end of December 2012.  Something happened with Monicals, and Nick couldn’t deliver for a month.  I had so much fear about losing that income.  I was angry at first, but made a hard (for me) decision to trust in the Lord and look for what good could come from that.  By the end of the month, yes, we were ready for our normal income again, but I found my faith had increased.  God had provided every single need, and even some wants through other people.  God gave us more time with the man of our house.  Nick got to take Kylee on a date to a school event. 

February came and went uneventfully.  March started off smoothly, then we received that seemingly devastating news that Nick had lost his full-time job.  When you have four kids to take care of, it seems so impossible.  I can’t say I wasn’t angry because I was.  But at least this time I wasn’t angry with God like I had been in the past.  I didn’t understand.  But we decided to trust in God and whatever his perfect plan might be, and I have no regrets.  We have been praying for a new job for a long time, and maybe this is part of the process for us.  But I have to believe there is more.  I prayed for ways to trust God more so my faith would grow.  Well, I got exactly what I asked for because I have no choice but to trust!  Looking back, I believe that God used our January situation to help prepare me for this job loss.  I didn’t say I think God caused it.  I don’t think God causes bad things.  I think He can bring good from bad situations and use them for His glory.

The last couple of days we had the opportunity to attend a prayer conference our church was holding.  It was only through God using other people that we could attend because the tickets weren’t cheap (nothing is when you’re unemployed!) and we needed childcare for two days.  God provided the tickets and childcare through others, and it was two of the most amazing days!  I can’t even begin to describe it.  If you were there, you understand why I say that.  If you weren’t, come next year and you’ll understand.  I saw walls torn down between people.  I saw forgiveness and reconciliation in a situation that we all thought was impossible.  We once again learned that with God, ALL things are possible.  I saw people get healed!  I have grown up in the church my whole life and never seen or experienced the presence of God like I did this week.  My life was changed.  My husband’s life was changed.  Our marriage was healed in areas I didn’t even realize needed healing!  Our family will forever be changed.  I saw God answer a prayer I’ve had for a long time.  Prayer changes things!  It really does!  And corporate prayer?  WOW!  WOW!  WOW!  Things happen when we pray together as a body!  I can say from my personal experience that I am FREE from my fears.  And if the enemy tries to sneak my fears back in, I know I have people who will pray with and for me.  I know I have an access to a much higher power.  I am free!  I may sound like a total lunatic.  I don’t care. 

I am learning to trust in my God so much more than I have ever been able to before.  I have had a hard time doing that in the past, but I’m doing it now.  There are so many unknowns for us right now, but I am trusting God will provide our needs, and in the right time, he will provide the right job for Nick.  I KNOW he has a plan for us.  I have no reason to doubt.  I'm not content being lukewarm anymore. I have seen God at work in some mighty ways this week.  I’ve seen the impossible happen.  Prayer changes things.  The prayers of that one person a year ago changed me.  That person is someone who is now a good friend and a mentor.  God heard her prayers.  If the prayers of one person make such a difference, you should see the power of prayer when many are together! 

Trusting in the Storm

Prayer.  It should come with a warning label that says, "Don't do it unless you really mean what you're praying!"  I've shared over the past couple of months how God is really working on me with fear and trust.  I just kept praying that I would just keep trusting more.  I didn't haven't in mind what has happened over the past week and a half.  I thought it was enough of a test of my trust when we lost a good part of our income in January.  In February, we were right on track with our budget, and we were even able to have a little (ok, a lot) of fun because of our tax return.  We were getting into a good place with our budgeting, and were pretty good about following it.  March started off fairly quiet for us, and I was looking forward to really living out that budget since what was left of tax money had been transferred to savings. 

Then March 7th happened.  It's a day that will be etched in my brain for a long, long time.  My husband told me he had lost his full-time job.  All the thoughts of how will we pay rent, feed our kids, put gas in our cars, etc. went through my head.  Our insurance was gone.  I was so proud of the fact that we were finally in a place that we didn't have to use medicaid, and BAM! looks like we are going to have to go back on it.  It kind of sucks.  But apparently we (or I) needed to be humbled. 

Back in January I didn't know why we had to go through that rough time.  I honestly believe that God used it to prepare me for this time now.  While I don't believe God makes bad things happen, I do believe he knows what's going to happen, and he knew I'd need to learn to trust him during that time, so I would know I could trust him now. 

Most days are good.  My heart and head agree that God has a bigger plan, and we have to go through this desert before we can get to the mountaintop.  But there are rough days where my head and my heart just don't agree.  It's those days I really have to dig deep so I don't let the doubt take hold and start to believe the enemy's lies.  Most days I don't worry.  But I have days where I am scared of what the future holds.  That's when I need the prayers of my family and friends the most.  I know there are people interceding for us, and that means more to me than anything. 

I don't understand any of this, but I trust that God knows what he is doing.  One of my devotionals last week included Romans 5:3-4.  "We can rejoice, to, when we run into problems and trials, for we know they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hop of salvation."  In the side note of my Bible, it suggested listing 5-10  good things could come of a present suffering.  I started listing, and you know what I found?  While our present circumstance just plain sucks, there are some good things that can come out of it.  We are both able to go to the prayer conference our church is hosting next week.  Nick wouldn't have been able to go otherwise, and I think this will be a huge thing for us.  We actually get to spend time with the man of our house right now. That's only a couple.  My list was longer than that. 

I believe God has plan so much better than we could ever imagine.  I believe there is a job out there that is just right for our family.  I believe that God is faithful and he won't let us down.  The Bible never says our lives will be easy.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  It says there WILL be trials.  But I know who I can depend on to get us through these trials.  For now, we are going to do our part in looking for a new job and seeking God, and I am going to trust that he is going to use this experience to strengthen our faith and trust.

Waiting

Waiting...

I'm not good at it.  I'm not very patient.  I'm a control freak.  I need to know what's going to happen.  I need a plan.  I need to know well in advance.  I think God is really trying to teach me something here.  All through January and most of February, He has been working on my heart about fear and trust.  We've had some situations that initially caused a lot of fear, but I'm learning to trust.  It's hard because my trust has been broken by so many.  I put walls up.  But God is tearing them down, brick by brick and showing me I can trust him. 

Trust is a choice I have to make each and every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  I don't let go of things easily.  When things don't go the way I think it should, I often get angry or upset.  This week we found out Nick didn't even get an interview for a job he applied for. A job that would change so much for our family.  I never felt like this particular job was going to happen.  I'm not sure why, but I always had a feeling it wouldn't work out.  It didn't make the news of it any easier because I was hoping my feeling was wrong.   So here we are, back to waiting.

Waiting.  Again.  I feel like we've been waiting for so long.  Sometimes I see people get a new job, and I feel like I'm waving at God saying, "Hey, what about us?"  Or I see people get a better work schedule so they can have more family time, and again, I feel like I'm waving my arms at God saying, "Hey, don't forget us!" Or when we hear someone say they've paid off all their debt, I'm again waving like a lunatic.  "God, that's our goal!  Why can't we do that too?"  While I am happy for those people, it's sometimes hard to hear those things when we've been praying for so long for those exact same things.  We just keep waiting.

And it appears that we are going to be waiting even longer.  Interestingly enough, through January and into much of February, at least one of the devotional readings I did would be on faith and trust and fear.  OK, God.  I get it.  You are teaching me about placing my faith and trust in You.  For the past few days, it seems like scripture about waiting on the Lord keeps popping up.  Even Proverbs 31 Ministries posted this as their daily devotional a couple of days ago. 

I dont' know why we have to keep waiting.  We don't have to be wealthy.  We just want to be able to meet our needs, pay off our debt, and if I'm honest, be able to take our kids on a trip every once in a while.  Our last vacation was six years ago when we went to see my parents.  We want to be able to give when a need arises.  We want Nick to be able to be home with our family more and and be able to enjoy family life a little bit.  I don't know why we have to keep waiting.  Maybe that wasn't the right job for Nick.  Maybe God was protecting us from something we can't see right now.  Maybe we still have more to learn right where we are at.  Maybe God has something better when the time is right.  Maybe we are right where he wants us. 

I don't understand any of it, but the verse I learned back in 4th or 5th grade caravan keeps coming back to me:

Trust in the Lord with your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do, an dhe will show you which path to take."  Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT)

I may not ever understand any of it, but I believe God has a plan.

Today, the verse of the day on my Bible app is God's way is perfect.  All the Lord's promises prove true.  He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.  Psalm 18:30 (NLT)

Sometimes fear of the unknown tries to creep back in.  I want to try to take control again.  But the reality is, it's out of my control.  I have to leave this at the feet of Jesus.  We can do our part to pray about it and even apply for jobs when they come up, but we can't make them happen. 

So here we are again.  Waiting.  Trusting.  Believing. 

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not grow faint.  Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)

Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.  Psalm 27:14

Little Gymnast

This little lady had her first gymnastics meet on Sunday.

 

She did well considering it was her first meet and first time doing it all by herself in front of an audience.  

 

She had no idea what to expect going in, but her friend, Sophia, showed her the ropes.

 

She ended up tying third place on the bars with a score of 8.9.

 

She got her first gymnastics medal and trophy.  Now she can't stop practicing at home, and she asks multiple times a day when her next meet is (it's not till the end of April.  It will be a long two months!)

Trust

This morning, as I was praying, I experienced something I have never experienced this way. I was praying about my fears, and let's add a new one shall we? Yesterday afternoon I was thinking about how we've been trying to find Nick a new job for so long now. I am afraid of God saying no to something new and being stuck where we are. It scares me. I know if he got a new job, it'd make getting a new(er) vehicle easier. I know it'd make parenting slightly easier (because it's never an easy task!) because we'd both be here. I know it'd make paying off our debts slightly easier. Our lives would change. That's not to say we still wouldn't have our struggles because we would. A new job wouldn't solve all of our problems. It wouldn't even necessarily solve the current issues. It would just help them. So now I'm afraid of God saying no.

I was going to wait to share this till the end, but it's such a big part of my journey right now, that I'm going to. I know a few of you already know and have been praying, and I appreciate it so much. Your prayers are working. I have been doing the Daniel Fast with Nick and I think around 10 other people at church. I haven't said anything publicly because it's such a personal thing, and I don't want any of the focus on me. I want it to draw me closer to God. And it is. Before this fast began, we were told to pick a focus. We chose Nick's job search since that is something that is so huge for us right now. I feel like God just keeps pulling back all these layers and when it comes down it, I have some pretty major trust and fear issues. I talked about fear a little yesterday. And like I said above, we just added a new one. I am afraid of God saying no and being stuck where we are. I was praying this morning before I even opened my devotional book because this fear has been consuming since yesterday evening. I guess I thought I'd have felt more direction from God one way or the other by now. I don't know why, we were only a week into the 21 day journey. I am growing and learning and God is peeling back layers of hurt, fear, and distrust. But I have felt nothing one way or the other about this job search. I have been a little confused, and confusion is not from God. In one devotion, it talks about how if we believe, truly believe, it will happen. But what if we believe and it's not God's will? I'm still trying to sort through this. I love doing this, and I feel like God is doing something, but not how I was expecting.

So back to this morning. I was praying about my fears and my distrust. I felt God say, "Just trust me." Not in an audible voice, but in the depths of my heart. I was taken by surprised. And then I questioned if it was really God or a voice in my head. Satan is really trying to defeat me here, and I believe he was trying to get me to question whether or not it was really God. I told God it's so hard for me to trust because the majority of people in my life has broken my trust in some way. Obviously that's to be expected. We are all human. But how do we learn to trust when all we have known is broken trust? I want to trust God with everything I have. I opened my book and began to read, and one paragraph stood out to me. The author is talking about being politically correct in God's kingdom. She wrote:

If I were politically correct in a Kingdom of God sense and a full-fledged member in the "holy nation," I would have total trust in my King, believing His every word and following His every lead. My heart would be full of peace, and I would make love my aim. I would believe more, worry less, and have complete confidence in my future no matter what condition the economy is in or if my circumstances look dark or threatening."

Trust. Believing. Complete confidence. Those words keep popping out, even as I look at it now. That is what I want. I have to start somewhere. I do trust God, but not to the extent I should. In my human-ness, I still want to have some control. I figure the only place to start is to start saying, "I trust you, Jesus" outloud. My hope is the more I say it, the more I will be able to. I want that complete confidence. I want God to heal all the brokenness I have when it comes to trust. Only he can do that.

So, dear friends, please keep praying. I can't even say how, but keep praying because God is moving!

Fear

God is dealing with me in a big way right now. Every single devotional reading I've done in the past few days revolves around fear. Isn't it amazing how God can put just the right things in the right places at the right time? I have so many fears. My biggest fear lately has been that we will always be stuck in the place we are at right now financially. I fear Nick will not be able to get in somewhere else. I fear that we won't be able to pay off our debt, therefore won't be able to buy our own home. I fear for his health because he is working so much to support us. Fear that something bad is going to happen with our van because we can't afford to fix it right now. There's an oil leak that causes it to smoke a little, and who knows what else. I fear we won't be able to at least help put our kids through college. We made so many bad choices financially in our college years and early/mid twenties, and I fear we will be paying for these mistakes for life.

But God is working on my heart and my fears. God is working on pushing those fears out and filling my heart with his truths. Fear is not from God. It's Satan's way to distract and destroy. Fear has a hold on me. I am praying, and I am searching for any scripture on fear and on trusting in the Lord. I'm sort of a control freak (I can almost hear my husband laughing that I said sort of ). It's hard to let go of this, and put it under the feet of Jesus. But I know that the more I let go of the fear and the more I allow God to fill me, I will feel so much lighter, like a huge burden has been lifted. God is bigger than my fears.