Sometimes

I've avoided blogging because I have nothing to update on really.  We are still job searching and have had almost no leads.  Nick had one interview, but he didn't get the job.  I wasn't heart-broken about it.  It paid so little, we'd have to go on every form of government help possible and he'd have to try to pick up more hours at Monicals in order to just survive.  It was also third shift which would have meant sleeping all day, going to Monicals, then to that job.  We'd never see him and we'd be in under the poverty level.  I'm blogging today because it's therapeutic for me, and I promised myself I'd be real. 

This is one of the hardest experiences we've had to go through.  We have four young kids and no full-time income.  Most of the time I'm ok, and I truly know that God has His hand in all of this.  But I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't cry and beg God for a job that will sufficiently support our family.  I don't ask to be rich.  I don't care if we never are, I just want to be able to support our family.    I cry a lot in the secret of the shower or when Nick's at Monicals because I don't want him to think I blame him. Sometimes I'm facedown on the floor crying out from the depths of my soul.  Some days I feel like I keep watching all of our dreams slip away slowly.  We are in our early thirties and we still rent a house.  We want to have our own home so much.  We want a place with a yard where our kids can safely play.  If you've seen our yard, you know what I mean.  We live on a fairly busy corner with a teeny yard that's got hedges but no fence.  Micah and Adleigh could climb right between some of the hedges.  I want to be investing in our family instead of someone else's home.  Renting has it's perks in some ways, but we just want a place that is ours.  We want to be able to pay off our old debts and Olivet bills.  I guess I never felt like those were lofty dreams, but they seem to be so far away.  Sometimes it feels like those dreams will never come true.

Most days it feels easy to trust God and know that He has our lives and our family in His hands.  God has been working on me so much in the areas of fear and trust over the past four months, and I've come so far.  But there are moments when it tries to creep back in.  Sometimes I fear that we will have to relocate, which is something we don't want to do.  Sometimes it takes so much for me to let go of that fear.  Sometimes I can pray through it.  Other times I have to send a text or email to some friends to pray me through. 

There is so much unknown right now.  I hate it.  I hate the unknown.  I like to have a plan.  I like to know what's going on.  I don't like the uncertainty of unemployment.  I don't know what's next for us.  I hate that. 

But here's what I do know.  God has a plan for us.  When we are on the other side of this, we'll see how much we've grown and how God used this to help us.  I have a husband who loves me and our kids so much.  I have four amazing children who don't seem to have any idea of any of this uncertainty.  We have family and friends and a church family who are willing to pray for us at the drop of a hat.  ALL of our needs have been met so far, so we have no reason to believe they won't be. 

We are pressing on.  We are trusting, even when it's hard, even when it seems like God is silent.  We are learning.  We are growing.  We are seeking.

Look the the Lord and His strength.  Seek His face always.  Psalm 105:4