These mommy wars are getting ridiculous

I have seen this ridiculous (and offensive) picture floating around facebook a lot lately:

 

I don't know about others, but it makes it seem like working moms feel they are superior to SAHMs.  Apparently SAHMs do nothing but sit and watch soaps and eat bon bons all day??   To me, saying this would be the equivalent of a SAHM saying, "Well, at least I'm home raising my kids.  Someone else is raising your's while you work."  (Disclaimer: I do NOT think that's true...just an example of the other side fo the argument I've heard.  I know some working moms who have raised FABULOUS kids, many I'm related to).  But if a SAHM actually posted something that said that or implied that, working moms would have a fit.  How is this any different?  How can the two be compared?  Being a mom is hard enough already, why do we have to compare and make one out to be better than the other?  Working moms don't deal with the same day to day things a SAHM deals with.  SAHMs don't deal with the same things a working mom deals with.  The sacrifices are different. 

 

Why can't moms just be supportive and understand that what is right for your family may not be the right thing for another family?  For some families, a parent being home may be the very best option.  I know in our family, I would be paying more for daycare than I was making.  Far more.  That isn't worth it.  Even if that wasn't the case, my husband and I decided together that we thought it was best for our family to have someone home with them.  The obvious choice was for me to be home since Nick makes more money than I did.  We even talked about me working part time in the evenings, but again, he makes more than I would at his second job, and this is what works for our family.  We'd love it if we didn't need that second income so we could all be together in the evenings, but that isn't possible right now.  We made the choice that is best for our families.  I struggle some days because I want the adult interaction.  I want to feel like I'm making a difference.  I have a college degree.  I used to want to be a career mom.  But after prayer and discussion, this is exactly where we feel God wants me, and I am making a difference.  Just not in ways I originally thought.  It's hard.  I'm exhausted by the end of each day.  But this is the best choice for OUR family.

 

I know some moms who want to be working, and love it.  They feel that is the best choice for their family.  I don't know all the details because I don't have this experience.  Some moms don't feel cut out to stay home, and that's ok!!!  Like I said before, I know some working moms who are fantastic moms and their kids are pretty amazing too!  They raised their kids well.  We are not all cut from the same cookie cutter!  There are moms who wish they could be home and can't, and they need support too.  Again, I can't give all the reasons because that's not my experience, but no mom should feel guilty for being the best mom she can be regardless of her employment. 

 

Motherhood is so hard!  The vast majority of moms are all doing the best they can and making the choices that are the best for their families.  Neither working moms or SAHMs have it harder.  Neither makes one superior over another.  They both come with their own set of challenges, sacrifices, and rewards.  Neither makes a better mom.  This mindset that one is better than the other is ridiculous.  I will never understand why moms have to be at war with one another over this kind of stuff.  We may not agree with every choice other parents make, but we should be respectful and supportive.  We are all moms (or dad's but I don't see them saying this stuff) trying to make our way through this parenting journey, hoping we are making the best choices for our kids. 

Something for me to look back on and remember

I am supposed to be cleaning since Thess is coming to town this weekend for ONU's homecoming, but I am procrastinating instead.  I don't really blog as much as I used to.  Four kids, three different gymnastics schedules, nightly reading homework, etc. etc. etc. sort of do that to a mom.  But, since they are all in bed (even Micah who seems to detest sleep), I'm sitting for a few minutes just to get some thoughts out.

When I first started attending moms group four and a half years ago, I went because I was seeking friends who were in similar places in life.  I wanted friends with small children who would understand where I was.  Most of the moms were either stay-at-home-moms (SAHM) and some may have been working moms but had schedules that allowed them to be there.  We were all in similar spots in life.  It was through church so I knew I'd be learning some too.  But in all honesty, I went for the relationships.  Nick has always worked a second job, so it's often just me and the kids.  It sometimes gets a little lonely. 

The group has changed so much since I first started going.  Some moms started working, some had schedule changes that pulled them away, I think some may have moved. We got some new moms in too.  The dynamics change with each person leaving and each person coming because it's a new personality.  This group has been good to me.  I never saw the change coming that is happening now.  It's a humbling change.  It's an "I've got to completely rely on the power of the Holy Spirit" change.  Never in a million years did I see myself leading a Bible study group.  I haven't led anything in a really long time.  We're talking since college.  I've even questioned my abilities and qualifications to do this.  I'm not super smart like Julie is.  (Yes, you are really smart, Julie!).  I'm not a Bible scholar.  So many times I have found myself saying, "No, God.  I'm not ready.  I'm not qualified.  I'm awkward.  I can't do this." 

I think God has a sense of humor.  I agreed to co-lead since Julie would subbing now that her youngest was in kindergarten.  I thought, "Great.  I can do this.  It will just be once in a while, and I have all year to prepare myself for fully leading."  HA!!!!  God certainly knows where we need to be stretched and how because that's exactly what he's doing.  It looks to be it's happening almost a year before I was planning.  Julie has gotten opportunites she can't pass up, and it's opened a whole new mission field for her.  But I'm not ready!  I've been thinking about this a lot today.  I do believe that this is exactly where God wants me, and it has been confirmed over and over and over lately.  I wish that we were doing it together, but I think God knows exactly what we both need to stretch us and make us more reliant on him. 

I've thought about it a lot more this evening as the reality of "taking over" (not really how I want to word it, but for lack of better words, I'm using it) is settling in.  I had a moment earlier this week where I just finally had to say, "OK, God.  If this is what you want from me, OK.  Yes.  I'll do it.  I am not comfortable with this yet, and I'm not qualified, but I will do it."  It's amazing the peace you feel when you agree to be obedient.  It just wasn't worth fighting it anymore.  But there is still that part of me that's sad.  It's not going to be the same.  Because of moms group, I have found one of my best friends.  It's just been a part of my week that I see her and we talk and have this time on Monday mornings.  I think that is the hardest part of letting go of her leadership.  I know you occasionally read this, Julie, so please don't take this to mean I didn't like you're leadership, because I did!  I don't feel like I can do it as well.  But when it comes down to it, I'm just going to miss you on Mondays.  I have absolutely zero doubt that you are exactly where God wants you, and he is going to use you in those schools.  Your mission field expanded, and I am happy for you.  But it's so weird not having you there. 

I don't know why God chose me to do this.  I have no stinking idea.  It's a scary place to be.  It's humbling.  But I'm going to be fine.  I have a peace.  This isn't about bragging.  Not at all.  It's about being obedient.  It's about saying yes, even though it's hard and we have no idea where or how exactly God will use us.  I don't know how God will use me.  I don't know why he'd even want to.  But one thing I'm learning is God sees potential in all of us.  He sees what we can do.  He sees what we can be.  And as long as we're willing to say yes, he can make us into those people.  I can't do this on my own strength.  I will have to rely on God fully and completely. 

Five years old!

My first boy turned 5!!!  How do they just keep getting older?  He's halfway to 10!  He is going to kindergarten in 10 months.  What in the world?  Elijah is the only one of my kids that I was not induced with.  We were scheduled for an induction due to low fluid (dealt with it in every pregnancy), but he decided he was going to come on his own four days before his induction date, 13 days before his due date.  I remember blogging on xanga on October 12 saying I really was hoping he would be born that day, but thought he'd make us wait.  At 3 the next morning, I was having some painful contractions.  I got up and walked around, but figured they would probably go away.  They usually did when I went back to bed. At some point within the next 20 minutes or so, Nick was waking up asking me if we needed to go to the hospital.  I asked why, and he answered that I was digging my nails into his arm.  I didn't even realize I was doing it.  He called the hospital and they said to come in, so he also called Heather, our friend who was going to watch Kylee for us.  I remember stopping every so often trying to walk the very short distance to the car from the house.  I remember him asking if I wanted him to stop at the stop lights and telling him if there is no one there, keep going, I wanted my epidural.  HA! 

We were at the hospital by 4am.  They got us in a labor testing room to make sure I was in labor.  I told them if I wasn't in labor, I was going home with an epidural because this was crazy.  Sure enough, I was definitely in labor.  They started IV's and couldn't get them in fast enough.  I was desperately wanting that epi!  My labor was MUCH slower with Kylee and I don't remember feeling much until the last couple of hours.  By the time I got my epidural, I was 8cm.  The nurse who was in with me wasn't very nice, and made sure I knew that I was really close to not being able to get one and kept telling me to just sit still.  Well, yes, I knew I needed to hold still while they stuck a huge needle in my back, but when my contractions are intense and on top of each other and the baby is pushing on my pelvic bone instead of where he needed to be, it made it a little difficult.  I was so glad I never saw her in my next two deliveries.  She was very short and not nice.  I was thankful to see Natalie when she got there.  Luckily, we got it in, and for a couple hours I could rest and doze on and off.  I only pushed for 24 minutes and suddenly had this beautiful baby boy that I was terrified of.  I grew up in a house where the only male was my dad.  I had three sisters.  I had half my pregnancy to think about it, but once he was there and in my arms, I loved him instantly and was still scared to death.  I know about babies and barbies.  I didn't know much about the boy stuff.  Regardless, this boy stole my heart.  I had this sweet little 7lb 2oz baby boy.  I had no idea what he was going to be like as he grew up or how his big sister who was barely past being a baby herself would think of him, but I was so in love.  He was the first grandson to a papa who didn't have and boys, so he got my dad's first name as his middle. Elijah Roman. 

Five years have flown by and this boy is so sweet, lovable, and loves his super hero costumes, dinosaurs, transformers, and his latest favorite-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  He's a good little brother to Kylee and a good big brother to Adleigh and Micah.  He loves dipping his food (almost anything) in ketchup.  He thinks he has to try to keep up with his big sister and is already learning her sight words for school.  He loves praying in Sunday school.  He thinks playing super mario brothers on the Wii is super fun.  He can make himself cry to try to get his way at the drop of a hat (a talent I hope he never teaches his sisters).  He loves to talk to girls, always has.  He is the sweetest little boy I have ever known, and I hope he never stops wanting to give his mama hugs!

I had more pictures, but the internet went crazy, so I lost them and I'm too tired to re-add them right now.  But here is my boy on his fifth birthday.  New haircut and they gave him blue gel.  He was so excited!

SIX!

How is it possible we have a six year old? I can still remember going to an ultrasound on September 19, 2006. From there I was sent to the doctor. My doctor was out of town, so I saw her partner. I found out that I was going to be induced at 35 weeks, 5 days. My fluid was low and the placenta was in bad shape. I called Edie at work and told her I wouldn't be back, that we were having a baby. There was a lot of fear because I was preterm. I didn't want to leave the hospital without my baby. I spent the next 34 1/2 hours waiting for this baby to make her appearance. I did a lot of praying. Praying my baby would be strong and healthy. Praying I wouldn't need a c-section. Praying she was safe. They almost delivered the week before, so I thankfully had steroid shots already just to be safe. But I was still scared. Finally, at 10:02 PM on September 20, 2006, our first baby was born.  She was 6lbs 11oz, 19 inches long.  She is now smart, silly, probably the most lovable little girl there is.  She loves to give hugs, she loves to learn, she loves to play.  She is in kindergarten all day long and absolutely loves it!  She is the best big sister her brothers and sister could have.  She is the best Kylee we could have. 

Kylee's first day of kindergarten

The first day, they all line up outside with their teacher. Her teacher was so great. She asked me how I was doing, and I heard her ask other moms. After years of teaching, she knows how moms are! She posed for a picture for each child. I have heard nothing but good about this teacher, so I'm really excited for Kylee. I was so hesitant about moving into this district, but for the time being, I really believe this is where God wants us.

We didn't leave till Kylee's class started walking in toward the school. I held myself together. After that, we went to preschool screening for Elijah. He didn't get in. He scored in the range of a five and a half to six year old, so he's not considered "at risk." Even our income wasn't low enough. Good to know that, while it's low, we aren't at poverty level. We would be a hair over with just one job, but both jobs really helps. Anyway, I knew he was smart, but I didn't expect him to be scoring that much higher.

After that, I dropped Nick off at home so he could put in a few hours of work, then took the other kids to find Kylee a Happy First Day of School present. I dropped Nick off, headed to Target and promptly lost it. I did so great holding it in all morning, but once I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that empty Nautilus, reality hit. My baby was in the care of someone else, all day, every day. This is such a strange thing for me! It is so weird. I also think it was the first time in eight months that I wasn't stopped in the store by someone telling me I have my hands full. I guess people see a big difference between three kids and four? It was just so weird not having her with us. But at the end of the day, we picked her up and she loved it!!! She couldn't wait to go back the next day. When we asked what she learned in school, she said she couldn't remember. Typical of kindergarteners (or so I hear). I was disappointed that I wasn't getting a play by play of her day, but that's ok. Each day she has had a little more to share. She sure is an independent girl! Day one, we walked her to the line. Day two we walked her into the school, but she wanted to walk to her class by herself. Day three, she wanted to be dropped off in the drop off line. Day four, she wanted Elijah to see where her class (very possibly his class next year) was, so we went in. Today...she asked me to stay in the car andlet her walk by herself. My tiny little 4 week premature, 6lb 11oz 19inch baby is so independent now. I couldn't be more proud of her. It also helped that I didn't have to unbuckle anyone else.

Waiting for orientation to start

Outside her classroom after orientation

 

 First day of kindergarten!!!

(First day of school present)

 Walking in by herself this morning. 

School

No one ever told me how much faith it takes to send your child to school.  In four days, Kylee will be heading off to kindergarten.  After having her with me for the past (almost) six years, it's hard to think that she will be in the care of someone else all day long.  The thought of this has given me a little anxiety as Tuesday approaches.  Thankfully, I have heard nothing but great things about her teacher.  I know she will be in good hands.  As me again how I feel the first time the tornado sirens go off and she is there and I can't just go grab her and take her into the basement with us.  That actually has me freaked out the most.  It may be an irrational fear.  =)

I truly believe this is how it should be though.  This is the next step in our parenting journey.  It's one that is teaching me to let go just a little more.  I could keep her home and homeschool her.  I could try to get her into a private Christian school if I wanted.  But we firmly believe that our children are supposed to be in the public school system.  Both options are great for other people, but we don't feel called to do either.  It's scary sending her all day, five days a week, but it's the way it's supposed to be for us.  I am excited, nervous, scared, happy, and sad all at the same time.  I'm excited for all the new experiences Kylee will have, all the things she's going to learn, making new friends, and I know she is going to love it.  I'm nervous about someone else being her primary influence all day long.  I'm scared about what she will learn, that she will be bullied, or that something bad could happen and I'm not there to help her.  I'm happy to see her so happy and excited.  I'm happy to know that we are doing what is right for us despite criticism.  I know Kylee has great leadership potential, and I think this setting will be great for helping shape that.  I'm sad that the last (almost) six years has gone by so fast!  I'm sad about how fast these years go by, and I wonder if I've been the kind of mom that she needed to be ready for this big step.  I am hoping and praying that she will be a light for Jesus in her class, that the people around her will help mold her into the person God created her to be, and that God will keep her safe. 

It is going to be so weird only having three kids tagging along with me during our daily activities.  It's going to be weird not having Kylee around all day long.  But I believe this is a step in our parenting that is showing us how to let go a little more.  Our kids are not meant to be with us forever, and each step we take is preparing them to move on with life when they become adults, and it's teaching us to relinquish control and preparing us for that day they will leave home and start a life of their own.  SO SCARY!  I don't want my babies growing up so fast, but it's happening.  My first baby is heading off to kindergarten in four days.  I'm going to blink and she'll be heading off to college.  Wow!

Five days old and almost six years old, trying on school clothes.

Whether or not we like it, we will obey. Or will we?

I am really struggling with this whole job search thing. Nick has been working two jobs almost as long as we have been married. Almost 7 years. For a good portion of those seven years, we have prayed and prayed and prayed for him to find a job that would allow him to be home more, working less. I doubt he'll ever give up Monical's completely because he likes it, but getting down to 1-2 nights a week would be more ideal than what we're doing now. We tried taking May, June and July off of Tuesday nights at Monicals. It just isn't working. We can get by right now, but that means pulling all three kids from gymnastics, which they love and are good at. I don't think it's fair to them. It means very little extra, and with me losing weight and four rapidly growing kids, we need a bigger clothing and grocery budget than what we currently have. I can make do on our grocery budget a while longer, but I want to be able to buy more good foods. The van needs new tires. But there's always something, isnt' there?

I recently started doing devotionals through http://shereadstruth.com. It was started by four women who wanted accountability to be in God's word every day. One of those women is someone I knew when she was in junior high and I was one of the counsellors at our church camp, then she went to Olivet as well. We started a devotion on prayer and it's 100% scripture based. (If you're interested, check out the website and it will explain everything). I missed Saturday's reading, so I doubled up yesterday, but I can't get Saturday's reading out of my brain. It was Jeremiah 42:1-12. I think there was a verse in Nehemiah as well, but I just got so stuck on one verse: Jeremiah 42:6. My Bible is NIV, so on my phone and our tablet, I have it set to New Living Translation so I can go back and forth between both. I really loved how the NLT said it: Whether we like it or not, we will obey the Lord our God to whome we are sending you with our plea. For if we obey him, everything will turn out well for us."

Woah. I think my heart may have stopped for a second. Whether we like it or not, we will obey. That part is stuck in my brain. I told Nick if there is one verse in the Bible I don't like, it's that one. Obedience no matter what. I keep a journal specifically for the shereadstruth stuff, and I even wrote in it "Can I do this? Do I want to do this?" because if I'm honest, I don't want to say yes to something I don't like. I want to focus on the end of the verse where it says everything will turn out well for us if we obey him. But I can't seem to do that right now. I am stuck in this place where it's a choice I have to make.

That brings us back to the job thing. I feel like he keeps putting in resumes and applications at places that would be great, but they either don't call, send him an email (I'm sorry, but that's not exactly professional in my opinion), or he gets a call, but it ends up being so much different (and a HUGE paycut) than what we expected. One of my biggest fears is that God will take us away from here. That's huge on my "I don't like it" list. I don't want to move away. Been there, done that, hated every bit of it. (I can't believe that was over five years ago now!) Remember me back then? Severely depressed me? I don't want to be that way again. I'm having trouble saying, "Yes, we'll obey" because if this is what it is, I don't want to. How's that for honesty? I have said we may need to look other places, but I have a feeling my husband knows I don't really mean it. When I say it while holding back tears, I'm not really being serious.

How do I get to that point of being able to say, "Whether I like it or not, I will do it?" I know in the end everything will turn out ok, but my fear is moving. For a while, I took comfort in thinking there had to be some reason God was keeping Nick at his current job. Then last night something changed. I was sitting reading, and I even asked Nick why God would continue to keep him in a job where he is constantly away from his family? Why would God want that? I told him that I used to find comfort in thinking maybe the reason he is there is because he could help lead someone else to God. But don't his kids need him more than someone else does? Don't they need his example in our own home? I can't be both their mom and dad. That's not how it was intended to be. They need him to be here. Our sons need their dad here to teach them how to be men, how to treat women, and how to do all the fun boy stuff that I don't have a clue about. Our girls need their daddy here to show them the kind of man they should look for, to love them so they don't go searching elsewhere when they are teenagers, and to teach them the things I can't. I need him to be here to co-parent with me. We need him to be here to be our leader. For nearly seven years, we have been telling ourselves this is only for a season. This is one LOOOOOONG drought. At least that's how it feels.

Would it get better if I just said yes, I'll obey no matter what? I don't know. I am scared. I'm scared of what is going to happen if Nick stays in this job and has to continue working this hard, and I'm scared of what will happen if God intends to take us somewhere else if I say yes. My heart is pounding at the very idea of moving. I do not want to. I just don't. There is the possibility of God keeping us here and opening a door right here. But that seems so hopeless at this point in time.

I love how my prayer life is changing through this, and I love that I am being forced to stop and ask myself these hard questions. But it's just that-HARD.

Disclaimer- I don't think the company is a bad company to work for, they just pay way under average (a little research shows that). Pair that with a commute and high gas prices, and it just plain sucks.  We ARE thankful for this job right now.