Something for me to look back on and remember

I am supposed to be cleaning since Thess is coming to town this weekend for ONU's homecoming, but I am procrastinating instead.  I don't really blog as much as I used to.  Four kids, three different gymnastics schedules, nightly reading homework, etc. etc. etc. sort of do that to a mom.  But, since they are all in bed (even Micah who seems to detest sleep), I'm sitting for a few minutes just to get some thoughts out.

When I first started attending moms group four and a half years ago, I went because I was seeking friends who were in similar places in life.  I wanted friends with small children who would understand where I was.  Most of the moms were either stay-at-home-moms (SAHM) and some may have been working moms but had schedules that allowed them to be there.  We were all in similar spots in life.  It was through church so I knew I'd be learning some too.  But in all honesty, I went for the relationships.  Nick has always worked a second job, so it's often just me and the kids.  It sometimes gets a little lonely. 

The group has changed so much since I first started going.  Some moms started working, some had schedule changes that pulled them away, I think some may have moved. We got some new moms in too.  The dynamics change with each person leaving and each person coming because it's a new personality.  This group has been good to me.  I never saw the change coming that is happening now.  It's a humbling change.  It's an "I've got to completely rely on the power of the Holy Spirit" change.  Never in a million years did I see myself leading a Bible study group.  I haven't led anything in a really long time.  We're talking since college.  I've even questioned my abilities and qualifications to do this.  I'm not super smart like Julie is.  (Yes, you are really smart, Julie!).  I'm not a Bible scholar.  So many times I have found myself saying, "No, God.  I'm not ready.  I'm not qualified.  I'm awkward.  I can't do this." 

I think God has a sense of humor.  I agreed to co-lead since Julie would subbing now that her youngest was in kindergarten.  I thought, "Great.  I can do this.  It will just be once in a while, and I have all year to prepare myself for fully leading."  HA!!!!  God certainly knows where we need to be stretched and how because that's exactly what he's doing.  It looks to be it's happening almost a year before I was planning.  Julie has gotten opportunites she can't pass up, and it's opened a whole new mission field for her.  But I'm not ready!  I've been thinking about this a lot today.  I do believe that this is exactly where God wants me, and it has been confirmed over and over and over lately.  I wish that we were doing it together, but I think God knows exactly what we both need to stretch us and make us more reliant on him. 

I've thought about it a lot more this evening as the reality of "taking over" (not really how I want to word it, but for lack of better words, I'm using it) is settling in.  I had a moment earlier this week where I just finally had to say, "OK, God.  If this is what you want from me, OK.  Yes.  I'll do it.  I am not comfortable with this yet, and I'm not qualified, but I will do it."  It's amazing the peace you feel when you agree to be obedient.  It just wasn't worth fighting it anymore.  But there is still that part of me that's sad.  It's not going to be the same.  Because of moms group, I have found one of my best friends.  It's just been a part of my week that I see her and we talk and have this time on Monday mornings.  I think that is the hardest part of letting go of her leadership.  I know you occasionally read this, Julie, so please don't take this to mean I didn't like you're leadership, because I did!  I don't feel like I can do it as well.  But when it comes down to it, I'm just going to miss you on Mondays.  I have absolutely zero doubt that you are exactly where God wants you, and he is going to use you in those schools.  Your mission field expanded, and I am happy for you.  But it's so weird not having you there. 

I don't know why God chose me to do this.  I have no stinking idea.  It's a scary place to be.  It's humbling.  But I'm going to be fine.  I have a peace.  This isn't about bragging.  Not at all.  It's about being obedient.  It's about saying yes, even though it's hard and we have no idea where or how exactly God will use us.  I don't know how God will use me.  I don't know why he'd even want to.  But one thing I'm learning is God sees potential in all of us.  He sees what we can do.  He sees what we can be.  And as long as we're willing to say yes, he can make us into those people.  I can't do this on my own strength.  I will have to rely on God fully and completely.