Kylee's first day of kindergarten

The first day, they all line up outside with their teacher. Her teacher was so great. She asked me how I was doing, and I heard her ask other moms. After years of teaching, she knows how moms are! She posed for a picture for each child. I have heard nothing but good about this teacher, so I'm really excited for Kylee. I was so hesitant about moving into this district, but for the time being, I really believe this is where God wants us.

We didn't leave till Kylee's class started walking in toward the school. I held myself together. After that, we went to preschool screening for Elijah. He didn't get in. He scored in the range of a five and a half to six year old, so he's not considered "at risk." Even our income wasn't low enough. Good to know that, while it's low, we aren't at poverty level. We would be a hair over with just one job, but both jobs really helps. Anyway, I knew he was smart, but I didn't expect him to be scoring that much higher.

After that, I dropped Nick off at home so he could put in a few hours of work, then took the other kids to find Kylee a Happy First Day of School present. I dropped Nick off, headed to Target and promptly lost it. I did so great holding it in all morning, but once I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that empty Nautilus, reality hit. My baby was in the care of someone else, all day, every day. This is such a strange thing for me! It is so weird. I also think it was the first time in eight months that I wasn't stopped in the store by someone telling me I have my hands full. I guess people see a big difference between three kids and four? It was just so weird not having her with us. But at the end of the day, we picked her up and she loved it!!! She couldn't wait to go back the next day. When we asked what she learned in school, she said she couldn't remember. Typical of kindergarteners (or so I hear). I was disappointed that I wasn't getting a play by play of her day, but that's ok. Each day she has had a little more to share. She sure is an independent girl! Day one, we walked her to the line. Day two we walked her into the school, but she wanted to walk to her class by herself. Day three, she wanted to be dropped off in the drop off line. Day four, she wanted Elijah to see where her class (very possibly his class next year) was, so we went in. Today...she asked me to stay in the car andlet her walk by herself. My tiny little 4 week premature, 6lb 11oz 19inch baby is so independent now. I couldn't be more proud of her. It also helped that I didn't have to unbuckle anyone else.

Waiting for orientation to start

Outside her classroom after orientation

 

 First day of kindergarten!!!

(First day of school present)

 Walking in by herself this morning. 

School

No one ever told me how much faith it takes to send your child to school.  In four days, Kylee will be heading off to kindergarten.  After having her with me for the past (almost) six years, it's hard to think that she will be in the care of someone else all day long.  The thought of this has given me a little anxiety as Tuesday approaches.  Thankfully, I have heard nothing but great things about her teacher.  I know she will be in good hands.  As me again how I feel the first time the tornado sirens go off and she is there and I can't just go grab her and take her into the basement with us.  That actually has me freaked out the most.  It may be an irrational fear.  =)

I truly believe this is how it should be though.  This is the next step in our parenting journey.  It's one that is teaching me to let go just a little more.  I could keep her home and homeschool her.  I could try to get her into a private Christian school if I wanted.  But we firmly believe that our children are supposed to be in the public school system.  Both options are great for other people, but we don't feel called to do either.  It's scary sending her all day, five days a week, but it's the way it's supposed to be for us.  I am excited, nervous, scared, happy, and sad all at the same time.  I'm excited for all the new experiences Kylee will have, all the things she's going to learn, making new friends, and I know she is going to love it.  I'm nervous about someone else being her primary influence all day long.  I'm scared about what she will learn, that she will be bullied, or that something bad could happen and I'm not there to help her.  I'm happy to see her so happy and excited.  I'm happy to know that we are doing what is right for us despite criticism.  I know Kylee has great leadership potential, and I think this setting will be great for helping shape that.  I'm sad that the last (almost) six years has gone by so fast!  I'm sad about how fast these years go by, and I wonder if I've been the kind of mom that she needed to be ready for this big step.  I am hoping and praying that she will be a light for Jesus in her class, that the people around her will help mold her into the person God created her to be, and that God will keep her safe. 

It is going to be so weird only having three kids tagging along with me during our daily activities.  It's going to be weird not having Kylee around all day long.  But I believe this is a step in our parenting that is showing us how to let go a little more.  Our kids are not meant to be with us forever, and each step we take is preparing them to move on with life when they become adults, and it's teaching us to relinquish control and preparing us for that day they will leave home and start a life of their own.  SO SCARY!  I don't want my babies growing up so fast, but it's happening.  My first baby is heading off to kindergarten in four days.  I'm going to blink and she'll be heading off to college.  Wow!

Five days old and almost six years old, trying on school clothes.

Whether or not we like it, we will obey. Or will we?

I am really struggling with this whole job search thing. Nick has been working two jobs almost as long as we have been married. Almost 7 years. For a good portion of those seven years, we have prayed and prayed and prayed for him to find a job that would allow him to be home more, working less. I doubt he'll ever give up Monical's completely because he likes it, but getting down to 1-2 nights a week would be more ideal than what we're doing now. We tried taking May, June and July off of Tuesday nights at Monicals. It just isn't working. We can get by right now, but that means pulling all three kids from gymnastics, which they love and are good at. I don't think it's fair to them. It means very little extra, and with me losing weight and four rapidly growing kids, we need a bigger clothing and grocery budget than what we currently have. I can make do on our grocery budget a while longer, but I want to be able to buy more good foods. The van needs new tires. But there's always something, isnt' there?

I recently started doing devotionals through http://shereadstruth.com. It was started by four women who wanted accountability to be in God's word every day. One of those women is someone I knew when she was in junior high and I was one of the counsellors at our church camp, then she went to Olivet as well. We started a devotion on prayer and it's 100% scripture based. (If you're interested, check out the website and it will explain everything). I missed Saturday's reading, so I doubled up yesterday, but I can't get Saturday's reading out of my brain. It was Jeremiah 42:1-12. I think there was a verse in Nehemiah as well, but I just got so stuck on one verse: Jeremiah 42:6. My Bible is NIV, so on my phone and our tablet, I have it set to New Living Translation so I can go back and forth between both. I really loved how the NLT said it: Whether we like it or not, we will obey the Lord our God to whome we are sending you with our plea. For if we obey him, everything will turn out well for us."

Woah. I think my heart may have stopped for a second. Whether we like it or not, we will obey. That part is stuck in my brain. I told Nick if there is one verse in the Bible I don't like, it's that one. Obedience no matter what. I keep a journal specifically for the shereadstruth stuff, and I even wrote in it "Can I do this? Do I want to do this?" because if I'm honest, I don't want to say yes to something I don't like. I want to focus on the end of the verse where it says everything will turn out well for us if we obey him. But I can't seem to do that right now. I am stuck in this place where it's a choice I have to make.

That brings us back to the job thing. I feel like he keeps putting in resumes and applications at places that would be great, but they either don't call, send him an email (I'm sorry, but that's not exactly professional in my opinion), or he gets a call, but it ends up being so much different (and a HUGE paycut) than what we expected. One of my biggest fears is that God will take us away from here. That's huge on my "I don't like it" list. I don't want to move away. Been there, done that, hated every bit of it. (I can't believe that was over five years ago now!) Remember me back then? Severely depressed me? I don't want to be that way again. I'm having trouble saying, "Yes, we'll obey" because if this is what it is, I don't want to. How's that for honesty? I have said we may need to look other places, but I have a feeling my husband knows I don't really mean it. When I say it while holding back tears, I'm not really being serious.

How do I get to that point of being able to say, "Whether I like it or not, I will do it?" I know in the end everything will turn out ok, but my fear is moving. For a while, I took comfort in thinking there had to be some reason God was keeping Nick at his current job. Then last night something changed. I was sitting reading, and I even asked Nick why God would continue to keep him in a job where he is constantly away from his family? Why would God want that? I told him that I used to find comfort in thinking maybe the reason he is there is because he could help lead someone else to God. But don't his kids need him more than someone else does? Don't they need his example in our own home? I can't be both their mom and dad. That's not how it was intended to be. They need him to be here. Our sons need their dad here to teach them how to be men, how to treat women, and how to do all the fun boy stuff that I don't have a clue about. Our girls need their daddy here to show them the kind of man they should look for, to love them so they don't go searching elsewhere when they are teenagers, and to teach them the things I can't. I need him to be here to co-parent with me. We need him to be here to be our leader. For nearly seven years, we have been telling ourselves this is only for a season. This is one LOOOOOONG drought. At least that's how it feels.

Would it get better if I just said yes, I'll obey no matter what? I don't know. I am scared. I'm scared of what is going to happen if Nick stays in this job and has to continue working this hard, and I'm scared of what will happen if God intends to take us somewhere else if I say yes. My heart is pounding at the very idea of moving. I do not want to. I just don't. There is the possibility of God keeping us here and opening a door right here. But that seems so hopeless at this point in time.

I love how my prayer life is changing through this, and I love that I am being forced to stop and ask myself these hard questions. But it's just that-HARD.

Disclaimer- I don't think the company is a bad company to work for, they just pay way under average (a little research shows that). Pair that with a commute and high gas prices, and it just plain sucks.  We ARE thankful for this job right now.

Attitude of Gratitude

It's so easy to complain.  Complain about jobs, or the lack of a job, complain about our homes-size, structure, age, etc.  It's easy to complain about the people in our lives-spouse, kids, family, in-laws, friends.  It's easy to complain about how horrible our lives are, and wish we had so much more.  I know how easy it is.  I used to do it.  A lot.  Several months ago, a friend and I decided we both needed an attitude adjustment.  She was reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp at the time.  We decided to force ourselves to look for the positive in each day, and at the end of the day, we'd send each other a list of at least five things we were grateful for.  We intended to do that for a week.  We started on October 13, 2011.  We are still doing this every single night.  If we miss a night for whatever reason, we do it the next day.  It was a great start to something that has been helping change my heart.

After being around a few people who always have something to complain about, I realize just how toxic this kind of attitude is.  No one wants to be around someone who is ungrateful and complaining about everything in their life.  People like that are very toxic, and they just start bringing those around them down with them.  I don't want to be that person. 

I used to feel like there was a lot I could complain about.  It was like I had that right.  But who wants to hear that?  I've found that I'm a much happier person when I stop thinking about what I/we don't have, and I stop and thank God for what I do have.  Nick has not one, but two jobs in a time where it's hard to find jobs.  We have a home to live in.  Our family is clothed.  We have plenty of food to eat.  We have two vehicles and no car payments.  We have family and friends that love us.  We have four healthy, beautiful, amazing kids.  If they aren't reason enough to be grateful, I don't know what is!  Nick and I have each other.  We have a church family that is amazing. 

The more things I find to be thankful for, the less I think about what I don't have.  I feel like complaining about what I don't have makes me sound so ungrateful for what God has given us. We can find joy in what God has given us.  I recently started reading One Thousand Gifts.  Today, on page 33, I read:
As long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible.  Joy is always possible. Whenever, meaning-now; wherever, meaning-here.  The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional peak experience.  The joy wonder could be here!  Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be-unbelievably-possible!  The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, here and now. 

I thought that was so beautifully said.  We don't need things, vacations, big houses, or fancy cars to have this joy.  We can have that joy now.  We just have to stop complaining about what we don't have, and thank God for what we do have.  There are times when it's hard.  There have been times when I sent Julie my list and I was listing out the dumbest things to be thankful for because it was just one of those days.  But those "dumb" things were still worth being thankful for.  In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, it says to give thanks in all circumstances.  It doesn't say some.  For most of my life, I just sort of ignored that.  I have it written down in several places, but didn't really do it.  Giving thanks is easy when life is going well.  It's a choice, and a tough one, when life just plain sucks.  There are times it's hard to be grateful when things don't seem to go our way, and we just don't understand God.  But I have found recently that the more I give thanks during the rough times, the easier it gets, the shorter my anger or frustration period seems to be, and I feel a deeper connection with God.  Life really is so much more joyful when I live with an attitude of thankfulness.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Changing

It's been forever since I've posted.  I used to blog (on a different site) every day.  Now I'm lucky if I get to actually sit at a computer, and it's just so hard to update from my phone. I have to share a revelation I had on Sunday. I finally figured out that I am worth it. I am good enough. I have spent my entire life believing I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't really worth anything to anyone. I don't know why or how it started. I have never felt pretty.  Next to my mom and my sisters, I'm not pretty or thin.  Have you seen my mom?  She's beautiful. My sisters?  Yep, their pretty too.  Somewhere along the way I just didn't care anymore.  And it's led to me not being healthy.  Well, not a healthy weight anyway.  As far as my health goes, I have never had a single problem.  But  I want to be a better me. I don't want to be stick skinny. Nick doesn't like that, and I don't feel the need to be that way.  I just wanted to feel better about myself. It's starting.

I started on a journey to make myself healthier, both physically and spiritually. On March 1, 2012, I started Insanity. I knew it was working a little because my clothes started fitting differently. Then Micah went through this screaming phase where he screamed if I wasn't holding him. No one else could calm him. Nick tried. I got off-track for about three weeks. Then I tried starting back up. I tried starting over a few times for a couple weeks. Then one day in May, I just did it. I started. I don't do six days in a row like you're supposed to. I am afraid of it affecting my milk supply, and that is something I will not sacrifice. I just take an extra day off. I either do two days on, one day off, two days on, one day off, so I'm still getting 5 days a week in, or I do three days on, one day off. It may be taking me a little bit longer, but IT'S WORKING. One day, I noticed I was getting a waist again. Then I noticed my jeans were falling off as I walked. Then my shirts started getting loose in the belly.  My relay for life t-shirt was snug in the belly just a couple weeks ago.  I pulled it out of the drier and put it on...it's not snug anymore!  My baby belly is slowly going away. 

Fast-forward to Sunday. I was putting away clothes thinking about all of this. I've been spending time working out, eating better, and spending more time in God's word and with God in prayer. I'm changing before my very eyes. I have had situations come up where I would have reacted differently before, but God is changing my heart. Anyway, as I was putting away everyone's clothes, I was thinking about how much I love my kids, and that was when it hit me-if I love my kids so much, how much greater does God love me? I have to stop being so down on myself because I was created in God's image. I have always looked at myself through my own eyes, and I saw nothing but fat, gross, ugly. But you know what? I don't now. I might not be beautiful in the world's standards. I might not have a body that anyone in Hollywood would want, but God sees me like I see my kids. Beautiful. Amazing. Priceless. Worth it. Good enough. He sees you that way too.

I have no intention of stopping this journey. While having an amazing body isn't on my agenda, having a healthy body is. My body is God's temple. It's my job to be an example to my kids to live a healthier lifestyle. We aren't going to cut out ALL of the junk because I think treats are ok in moderation.   But something I learned-eating better makes you not want all the crap. We ate out on Sunday for Father's day, and later I felt awful after eating the junk. My body felt sluggish later in the day. My stomach hurt from all the grease. I just wanted to sit down and eat a bunch of fresh veggies. Even things I love are getting easier to say no to because don't want to feel that way again. I still like chocolate, but I eat less because it tastes too sweet now. I hope this change keeps up for a lifetime.  Me being healthier helps my family be healthier too. 

We took pictures when we started Insanity back in March. I started losing, then gained it all back when I stopped during Micah's screaming phase. On Monday I had Nick take a new picture to see where it was. I finish month 1 today, then on Saturday will begin my recovery week before going into Month 2. Changing eating and fitness habits work. But I do think a lot of it has to do wtih changing my heart as well. The pictures aren't pretty, and I'm not brave enough to share them right now, but maybe someday I will.  Being able to see the changes helps motivate me.  I hope I keep changing.  I hope I continue to let God mold me into the person he wants me to be. 

Summer??

Welcome...Summer?  It's only a few days into spring, but it has felt more like summer.  For the last week or so, you would never have guessed it's only mid-March.  It has felt more like mid-June!  It has been in the 70's and 80's most of those days.  We have been in shorts, tank tops, flip flops, and I even had to go out and buy sunblock already.  Our trees and bushes sprouted buds.  Our driveway was covered in sidewalk chalk until yesterdays rain washed it all away.  We've had the bikes and cozy coupes out, we've taken walks, and we even took our first trip of the year to the zoo! 

When we got our tax return, we decided to get memberships to Brookfield Zoo and one of the museums in Chicago since we don't take vacations.  I think we were a little torn on what museum to choose as our second membership.  We like the Field Museum, but we felt our kids aren't old enough to enjoy going that often right now.  I really wanted to do the Museum of Science and Industry.  I think they'd have a blast, but Nick thought they were still a little young.  We ended up choosing Shedd Aquarium, and at with kids five and under, I think that was the best choice.  We have already gone twice, and the membership has more than paid off already.  The kids have loved looking at the different exhibits.  Adleigh's favorite is the penquins for sure.  Kylee and Elijah change their minds everytime I ask them.  The best part about having the memberships is we don't have to rush through.  If we don't see something, it's ok because we know we'll be going back.  It was totally worth it for us to do this, and it makes for some great family memories.  Micah won't remember them, but we're hoping to continue with our Brookfield membership each year, and maybe rotate the museums. 

Micah is 3 months old now.  He's growing like a week, but that is probably because his one and only hobby is eating as much as he possibly can.  He has some really cute baby rolls on his legs and arms, and he has this amazing double chin.  He is very ticklish and in the past couple of weeks has learned how to laugh rather than just grunt.  He also figured out how to roll over-from back to belly.  Most babies go from belly to back first, but I'm pretty convinced this kid is bound and determined to do everything the hard way first.  He was like that from birth with a posterior delivery.  (Posterior is head down, but facing my belly instead of my back...not a great way to deliver a baby...OUCH!)  He is such a joy though.  He is a more serious baby than the other three were, but he is still quite smiley.  He seems to be especially smiley with Kylee right now. 

Next week we pre-register Kylee for kindergarten.  I can't believe it.  I can't believe my time with her is almost done.  She will be leaving me for several hours a day.  I have a feeling this is going to be an emotional roller coaster ride.  Sending your kid off to school takes a lot of faith.  Holy cow, I'm already anxious about tornadoes when she's there or crazy people getting in the school.  I have a feeling it's going to be a major time of growth for Kylee and me both!  It will be so weird running errands next year with only three kids.  I think I might cry just writing this.  I know sending her to a public school is the best option right now.  She will have so many amazing opportunities in the program she got into, and I'm very excited for her.  A little sad for me though.

On that note, I'm going to sign off before I make myself cry!!

Life

There really isn't a whole lot going on right now to post about.  Kylee and Elijah are playing soccer on Saturday mornings at church.  We love it because it's pretty laid back, and they are having fun.  That's exactly what they should be doing at this age.  Daddy loves it because he loves seeing his kids play a sport he loves.  I think he should coach.  I keep telling him that. 

Kylee, Elijah, and Adleigh are all in gymnastics right now.  They are having a blast.  Kylee is in Level 1 now, and she's learning to do cartwheels on the balance beam and several other things.  She is constantly showing us what Ms. Ursula taught them.  I think she is a gymnast at heart.  I think this sport will eventually give me a heart attack!  I think it's awesome to watch, and our kids really enjoy it, but man, I'm scared to watch them when they are a little older!  Elijah is in Little Pros, which is the top preschool class.  He finally got to a point where he can do the monkey bars with no help.  I imagine he'll be in this level for a while.  He has Ms. Donna, and she is a great teacher for him.  She doesn't put up with anything, she's encouraging, and she pushes them to do their best.  She makes those kids work hard, and I'm so glad.  Adleigh just started in January, and she is the two year old class.  They are so cute.  It's fun to watch her walk around with Ms. Rachel and see her smiles as she does stuff.  She likes it right now.  I can see Kylee and Elijah both being gymnasts long term.  Elijah says he wants to play football when he can.  My kids all want to play sports that are going to kill me by watching them!  HA! 

Micah is growing like a weed.  Why do they have to grow so fast?  He is smiling more, cooing, and he even laughed for the first time this weekend.  I almost cried because it was fun to hear that first laugh, but I will never hear another first laugh.  Every one of his firsts are our lasts, and it's so bittersweet.  Our family is complete, and we are happy with our decision, but there's a part of me that will miss all this baby stuff when we're done.

Nick is working on getting another round of FPU started.  He is working up north and at Monicals.  I can't complain, he is a good provider for our family, I'd just like to have him home more.  We are praying that God will open some doors to get a job closer to home.  Being closer to home would mean saving a LOT of money in gas, so he could drop at least one night at Monicals.  There is a door that is cracked open, but we don't yet know if it will fully open, or if it will shut.  I would love for it to open wide, but at the same time, we don't want something that wouldn't be a blessing to our family, so we wait.

I am grateful for this time I get at home with our kids.  Kylee is a mere six months away from kindergarten.  I can't believe I will soon have a child in kindergarten.  This time is going by so quickly, it's crazy.  One day we are going to wake up and we'll be sending her off to college.  We keep busy during the week by going to Moms Group at church, gymnastics, sometimes the Exploration Station, stores, the parks when it's warmer, and we have plenty to do here at home.  We now have a rule of no TV during the day.  We got to a point where it seemed it was always on, they were fighting a lot, and they didn't want to do anything.  So I turned it off.  They all play so much better, they are more creative, sillier, we turn worship music on more and sing and dance to that.  We really are trying to enjoy life. 

Just a random kid story.  This morning, we were in the car.  On Monday mornings we usually go to Starbucks for my weekly drink before moms group.  I heard Kylee trying to talk to me in the backseat.  She said, "Mommy, that song that was on before made my tears fall."  I wasn't sure which song she was talking about, so I started going through them so she could tell me which one it was.  The music in our car is almost always a rehearsal CD from church so Nick can practice for worship team or choir.  I figured out which song it was, and asked her why her tears fell during the song.  It's a song that makes my tears fall too, but I wanted to hear what she had to say.  She just kept smiling shyly saying she didn't know.  I explained what the song meant, and she smiled and asked for it again.  I don't really remember what it was like to be five.  I don't know how much impact this is having on her now, or even how small children feel music and if they "get it."  By if she doesn't get it, at least somewhere in her heart, why would it bring tears?

These are the lyrics to the song that "made her tears fall."

I Will Sing Praise I will sing praise, I will lift my voice, I will sing praise, I’ve made my choice. I will sing praise in all I do. I will sing praise to you. (Repeat) No matter the storms that come my way, No matter the trials I may face, You promised that you would see me through. So, I will trust in You. I will sing praise, I will lift my voice, I will sing praise, I’ve made my choice. I will sing praise in all I do. I will sing praise to you. No matter the storms that come my way, No matter the trials I may face, You promised that you would see me through. So, I will trust in you. I will trust in you. I will sing praise, I will lift my voice. I will sing praise, I’ve made my choice. I will sing praise in all I do. I will sing praise to you. I will sing praise to you. I will sing praise to you.