Changing

It's been forever since I've posted.  I used to blog (on a different site) every day.  Now I'm lucky if I get to actually sit at a computer, and it's just so hard to update from my phone. I have to share a revelation I had on Sunday. I finally figured out that I am worth it. I am good enough. I have spent my entire life believing I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't really worth anything to anyone. I don't know why or how it started. I have never felt pretty.  Next to my mom and my sisters, I'm not pretty or thin.  Have you seen my mom?  She's beautiful. My sisters?  Yep, their pretty too.  Somewhere along the way I just didn't care anymore.  And it's led to me not being healthy.  Well, not a healthy weight anyway.  As far as my health goes, I have never had a single problem.  But  I want to be a better me. I don't want to be stick skinny. Nick doesn't like that, and I don't feel the need to be that way.  I just wanted to feel better about myself. It's starting.

I started on a journey to make myself healthier, both physically and spiritually. On March 1, 2012, I started Insanity. I knew it was working a little because my clothes started fitting differently. Then Micah went through this screaming phase where he screamed if I wasn't holding him. No one else could calm him. Nick tried. I got off-track for about three weeks. Then I tried starting back up. I tried starting over a few times for a couple weeks. Then one day in May, I just did it. I started. I don't do six days in a row like you're supposed to. I am afraid of it affecting my milk supply, and that is something I will not sacrifice. I just take an extra day off. I either do two days on, one day off, two days on, one day off, so I'm still getting 5 days a week in, or I do three days on, one day off. It may be taking me a little bit longer, but IT'S WORKING. One day, I noticed I was getting a waist again. Then I noticed my jeans were falling off as I walked. Then my shirts started getting loose in the belly.  My relay for life t-shirt was snug in the belly just a couple weeks ago.  I pulled it out of the drier and put it on...it's not snug anymore!  My baby belly is slowly going away. 

Fast-forward to Sunday. I was putting away clothes thinking about all of this. I've been spending time working out, eating better, and spending more time in God's word and with God in prayer. I'm changing before my very eyes. I have had situations come up where I would have reacted differently before, but God is changing my heart. Anyway, as I was putting away everyone's clothes, I was thinking about how much I love my kids, and that was when it hit me-if I love my kids so much, how much greater does God love me? I have to stop being so down on myself because I was created in God's image. I have always looked at myself through my own eyes, and I saw nothing but fat, gross, ugly. But you know what? I don't now. I might not be beautiful in the world's standards. I might not have a body that anyone in Hollywood would want, but God sees me like I see my kids. Beautiful. Amazing. Priceless. Worth it. Good enough. He sees you that way too.

I have no intention of stopping this journey. While having an amazing body isn't on my agenda, having a healthy body is. My body is God's temple. It's my job to be an example to my kids to live a healthier lifestyle. We aren't going to cut out ALL of the junk because I think treats are ok in moderation.   But something I learned-eating better makes you not want all the crap. We ate out on Sunday for Father's day, and later I felt awful after eating the junk. My body felt sluggish later in the day. My stomach hurt from all the grease. I just wanted to sit down and eat a bunch of fresh veggies. Even things I love are getting easier to say no to because don't want to feel that way again. I still like chocolate, but I eat less because it tastes too sweet now. I hope this change keeps up for a lifetime.  Me being healthier helps my family be healthier too. 

We took pictures when we started Insanity back in March. I started losing, then gained it all back when I stopped during Micah's screaming phase. On Monday I had Nick take a new picture to see where it was. I finish month 1 today, then on Saturday will begin my recovery week before going into Month 2. Changing eating and fitness habits work. But I do think a lot of it has to do wtih changing my heart as well. The pictures aren't pretty, and I'm not brave enough to share them right now, but maybe someday I will.  Being able to see the changes helps motivate me.  I hope I keep changing.  I hope I continue to let God mold me into the person he wants me to be.