I've been reading Making Children Mind without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman. (I was reading The Strong-Willed Child but I seem to have misplaced my copy) He is fantastic. Seriously, any book by him is a MUST read! He is very much into reality discipline. He addresses spankings (and he is for them but with some specific guidelines), but more importantly he is all about letting the punishment fit the crime. Actually, he doesn't use the word punishment, but discipline but punishment is part of the cliché. Anyway, the chapter I just read is about "pulling the rug out from under your kids." Kids try to control, and these days, it seems like so many parents let them. We have been trying to follow some of his thoughts by giving Kylee choices. I think Elijah is still too young, but Kylee is learning. One of the examples he used was letting a child choose between two different sandwiches for lunch. The child picks PB&J over tuna. Mom makes hte sandwich then he changes his mind. What do many moms do? They put the sandwich away and make a new one, of course. However that is not teaching the child responsibility. He suggests (and I will say now that I agree, though he doesn't really give an age and I'm not sure how young to start) saying child can either eat what the originally chose, or they get nothing till dinnertime. Most kids will learn from that. We've been giving Kylee choices at lunch, however, she always eats those choices so I haven't hit that. He also tells a story about a little boy who was the third and final child and was very picky. Mom made fried chicken for dinner and the child told her he didn't like it. She remembered he at two helpings of fried chicken the previous week. This is not a new thing, so she had already talked to Dr. Leman and his suggestion was if he didn't want to eat, pick up the plate, dump it, and tell him he's done and free to go play, do homework or whatever would normally follow dinner. This got the point across and the child never did that again. Again, fantastic idea. I know I am not a short order cook. It is one thing if a child genuinely does not like something, but it's a totally different thing if they are saying that simply to control a situation. Give a choice-you can eat or don't eat, it's up to you. But make them stick to that decision.
He said initially a lot of moms think it must be "cold" in his house. He says the same thing I say in regards to spanking. Our kids are not afraid of us. They do not think we are mean and cold. When done in love, kids get that. Coddling them and being permissive gets us nowhere. When we spank, we talk, hug, kiss, say I love you's. When they have a time-out, same thing. Our kids have never once demonstrated any signs of being scared of us. I fully intend to follow through with spankings, taking away things, etc. when needed. One example: The other night Kylee pulled ALL of their books off the shelf. They go under the TV and it has doors to hide it. They have a lot of books and I am tired of picking up after them. I picked up a couple to show her she could just put them in there (didn't have to be in the order I'd do it because she's too young for that-just stacked in there was fine). She cried, said she didn't want to pick the books up, but I sat there and made her. She didn't like it and it was a huge pain in the butt to her. But you know what, she has not pulled every book out of there since. I'm tired of her throwing her food on the floor. Next time, she gets down and she will pick every piece up (thanks for that advice Christine). After the book incident, I sat down with Kylee and explained to her that taking all the books out makes a mess and it is disrespectful to the rest of us, and she only needs one book at a time. We gave hugs, said I love you, and hugged some more. She's learning. Now, had she sat there and blatantly refused to pick up the books, yes, I would have spanked her. But she did what she was asked.
Anyway, I know we have a lot of differing views on parenting, and that is fine. You can agree with me, disagree, and that is fine. What we are doing is what we think is best for our family. It is authoritative, completely different from authoritarian. It is teaching. I'm sure some think all we do is spank. That's not true at all. We don't use that as our only or even primary form of discipline. But it is one form that we do use.
And on a different note, Elijah bit Kylee yesterday. Bit her so hard, that she still has red marks this morning. She's a hitter, he's a biter. Joy.
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3 comments:
Very interesting post. I found you through April's mom. 500,001--so close!
Anyways, I can relate to what you said about kids. I have 2 girls, they are 3 and 4 years old. The oldest is strong willed in certain ways but man, the younger is strong willed ALL the way! Everyone says my kids are so good, they never misbehave. My response is usually something like "They better be!" See, I believe it's starts early. When my oldest was about one and a half, she decided to try to throw her first temper tantrum. She got mad at me and threw herself backwards in the middle of the mall. I quickly picked her up and swatted her bottom once and said a firm no. She never tried that again (thankfully). I don't know why so many people think that spanking is terrible, but if I didn't spank sometimes, they (especially the youngest) would be brats. They are not abused, they know they are loved. Now, I don't spank all the time but there are certain times when it is called for. They are well behaved for the most part now that they are getting older. They don't receive spankings very often because I have always followed through with my warnings and they know I mean business when I tell them to do something.
I can't believe the way some mothers let the kids rule. I've seen kids hit their parents in the face, throw things in the store, scream for no apparent reason other than to irritate others and worse. What these parents don't realize is that if they don't get control now, they never will. These kids will be real terrors when they are teenagers. I hate to think of what the next generation will be like.
Sorry I took up so much room here. From a complete stranger none the less.
Happy parenting!
Thanks for the comments Nicole! I appreciate it, especially since you're a little ahead of me!
Depending on the situation, sometimes we ignore tantrums since what they want is attention, other times, we take them into their room and shut the door so they are alone, and others they get spankings or whatever else might be needed. I've walked away from Kylee in a store while she threw a tantrum keeping her in my sight, but not so she could see me. She stopped pretty quickly since she didn't have an audience. She also knows when we're in public if we say going potty, she has to go pee, if we say going to the bathroom, it's time for a spanking. Like you, we don't spank all the time.
It annoys me to no end when I see how some parents let their kids treat them. Some people have said we're too harsh, but those are the same people who let their kids run wild OR it's been people with adult children, and their children have actually told me they don't want to parent like their parents. Hmm. That should say something. Kids THRIVE on discipline and order.
I'm glad the "picking up" advice seemed to work with the books. It's no fun having to pick up after yourself!!
We have practiced the "I made it, eat it or starve" route for a long time now. We had dinner with friends awhile ago who waited on their young son like short-order cooks, as you said. We agreed later that it was appalling--no meal was planned in advance or set; instead, it was, "What do you want now?" or "Do you want {x}?" Of course the kid was running the show, and the parents were cross and exhausted at the end of it all. So we applied our philosophy to just about everything: We make the best decisions for you, so live with it! It makes life easier for everyone.
Sorry to hear about the biting and hitting. :) No advice for you there. Let me know what miraculously solves it for you!
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