The Fat Sister

A couple of months ago, I got a call from our local Maurice's store.  I had won a Splurge Party which is a private shopping party.  I set the date, invited friends, and couldn't wait to shop.  I need clothes that actually fit me, so this was a great opportunity.  I met two friends and my sister at the store just after closing and we had the whole store and all the employees to ourselves.  It was so much fun!  They just kept loading us up with clothes, mostly things I would have never thought to try on but ended up loving!!!

At some point during all of our fun, my sister, Nikki, had someone take a picture of us.  I saw something I haven't seen in a long time.  For years, I have felt like the fat sister.  I've always been bigger than my sisters, but somewhere along the way, I lost myself.  I began to believe I wasn't worth it.  I'm sure there are a lot of factors that play into that, but that would just make this so much longer and probably boring.  I began to hate me. It didn't matter if I ate what I wanted and how much I ate.  I didn't care about myself.  And the end result of not caring was this:

Sure, in this picture I had just had a baby, but even in pregnancy, I never had to look like this.  I chose it.  A couple of months after Micah was born, I had some sort of revelation that I really was worth it.and I needed to make some changes.  I can't tell you the date, but I do remember it was a Sunday afternoon and I was upstairs putting clothes away.  I was just feeling so down on myself.  I didn't hear it in an audible way, but more written across my heart that God was saying, "Rachel, you ARE worth it.  I made you and I love you.  That's what matters."  When we got our tax refund that year, we immediately ordered the Beach Body workout Insanity.  OH MY WORD!  Insanity is right!  It is sooooooo hard.  I felt like I was going to throw up after doing it each day.  Working out is hard.  Eating better (we are still so far from perfect here, but trying) is hard when the boxed foods are so much easier.  Finding time when I had a baby who wanted mommy ALL THE STINKING TIME made it the most difficult.  But it was all worth it to see the picture of my sister and me at Maurice's.  

For the first time in I don't even remember how long, I didn't look at this picture and think of myself as the fat sister.  I saw this picture and saw how my hard work was paying off.  I can wear things I couldn't wear before.  Yes, I'm still bigger than my sister.  I probably always will be because we are built differently.  My goal isn't to get skinny, it's to get healthy.  There's nothing wrong with being skinny if you're healthy, so don't get me wrong there.  But I have a purpose now.  I now know that I am worth it, not because anyone else says I am, but because God says I am and I need to treat my body that way.  I am not going to look at myself and see the fat sister anymore.  I'm looking at the progress I've made and seeing how happy I look here.  I am NOT the fat sister anymore.  I am a person loved by the God of the universe.