In moms group, we are currently reading Dr. Dobsons "Bringing Up Girls." Six chapters in and I'm wondering what in the world happened to society! In the previous chapter we talked about manners, and teaching girls to say please, thank you, how to have a two-way conversation, sitting with legs together (I'm currently trying to teach Kylee this one), how to formally introduce your parents, friends, etc. All things we're trying to teach our kids. Later in the chapter it talked about how men should treat women-always (not sometimes) opening car doors, doors to buildings, standing up when a woman leaves the table, pulling chairs out, asking her what she'd like to order at a restaurant and relaying it to the server, taking hats off in the presence of a woman, standing up and letting women sit, paying for dates, walking on the outside of the woman when they are together to show protection, etc. etc. etc.
I don't know about you, but most guys are not like that these days. It really bothers me when men go into homes or church or other respectable places and leave their hats on. My entire life I watched my dad and my grandpa remove their hats in those places. I really don't think the mall or the grocery store are a big deal, but if you come into my house, you better show some respect and remove your baseball cap. Most guys don't open doors or car doors anymore. I have to wonder what would happen if we went to Target and I just sat in the car till Nick opened the door for me. I don't blame him for not doing it most of the time. Usually we have our hands full with getting kids out of the car. In his defense, he does open the car door for me when we don't have kids with us. But what if I did wait?
Why don't guys (in general, not all!) treat women like ladies anymore? Is it because women have become so independent with "I can do it myself" attitudes that men are afraid to do things for women? Like Dr. Dobson, I'm not bashing the great lengths women have gone to achieve equality. Women should get paid the same a man would for the same job. She should be be able to get those same jobs! But are emasculating men by having an attitude of "I don't need you to open my door, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself" and allowing them to be the man they were created to be? Is it really so wrong that a man show respect to a lady and open her door for her as she walks into church, or the mall, or Walmart? Maybe it's because I was raised that men should always open doors, but I am appalled at the number of men who open a door, walk through, when a woman is right behind them.
I am reminded of two stories I experienced in the past 10 years. One was several years ago. I think I was a junior in college, so we're talking 10 years ago. After our annual Christmas banquet at Olivet, a bunch of us decided to go to a comedy club up north somewhere. I rode up north with my long-time friend, Mike. Mike and I grew up in youth group together. His fiancee was in school in Michigan, so I often invited him along when we'd go in big groups like this. I can distintly remember when we parked and were walking to the club, he intentionally switched sides with me on the sidewalk to walk on the outside closest to the street. Where I grew up, there were no sidewalks. I saw my dad walk my mom into the house from the driveway, or walk in a parking lot (unless it was cold or raining and he dropped her off). We rarely went on walks with them, so I don't know if he walked on the outside of the dirt road, but I imagine he did. My dad has always been protective of my mom. Back to my original story, I had to ask Mike why he switched places and he told me it was his job as the man to be in a position to protect any woman he is with (I don't remember his exact words, it was TEN years ago!), whether it was Denise (his fiancee) or a friend. I have never forgotten that story, and you can ask my husband, when I see a couple walking down the street and the woman is closest to the street, I always make a comment to Nick about it. I have no doubt Mike and Denise's little boy, Brandon, will be taught to be a gentlemen.
My other story was last fall. We went into Hair Cuttery to get Nick and Elijah haircuts. It's a small space, and there are only five or six chairs. When we walked in there, every single chair was occupied by a man. I don't think I hid my annoyance very well when not a single one offered me a chair when I was so hugely pregnant. I would never expect a senior adult male to offer me a seat, but those are the ones that actually do, and I usually decline because they deserve that seat more than I do, even 8 months pregnant. A little while after we got there, an elderly woman came in. I thought for sure someone would get up and offer her a chair. Not one single man did. What is happening to our society? I would be so disappointed in my husband or son if they didn't get up and offer a seat to a lady, especially an elderly one. I think it just shows respect and the type of man they are.
Maybe I'm way off base. Maybe I'm expecting things of men that are dying with each passing day, but why can't men be like this still? Is it because women have become so independent and I've actually heard people say they don't need men to do those things for them. No, we don't need it (ok, when I'm by myself with three kids, I do often need someone to hold a door for me), but it sure is nice to be treated with respect. Is it because men aren't respected as they once were? Many women I know have no trouble bashing men, husbands included, so why would men think we deserved any of these things? Respect is a two-way street. I hope that we are able to successfully teach Kylee, Elijah and Adleigh to treat everyone with respect. I hope I can teach my little girls to become little ladies who are polite and respectful of men and other women. I hope I can teach Elijah to be respectful and hold doors open, take his hat off, and give up his chair for a woman.
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5 comments:
I agree.
My man does almost all of those things you listed with the exception of standing so I can sit (which I personally would find weird), and pulling out my chair.
He does relay my order to the waitstaff when we go out and you would not believe the amount of waitresses that give him a nasty look. Like they think he is not letting me order for myself. Ha!
We've also had the discussion about how a man and a woman should walk together. He told me of one of his high school teachers telling/showing him how to offer a lady his arm and how to hold it/her to keep her the most steady and safe. It has helped me many a slippery street. I am thankful that there are teachers out there like her who are striving to make our young men gentlemen. I hope I'm as influential as she is :)
Devilan does all those things except open my car door, usually because he's getting Junior out instead. But, when we're getting into the car he always opens the door and then puts Junior in. He also doesn't stand when I leave the room....but that wold make me feel awkward to be honest lol. And he always removes his hat, but the only hat he ever wears anymore is his beret and it's the rules to remove that when in any building unless it's a special occasion or ceremony. He makes me order my own food too but I make so many changes he'd never remember (servers hate people like me lol but I tip very good to make up ;) ).
I think over the years, women (not all) have relayed the "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!" vibe, so men no longer feel the need to protect their women. Before I left AWF, we had a debate and many, MANY women don't want to feel protected. They want to feel empowered and that they can do it all on their own. In some ways that is good because as Army wives, we HAVE to be able to do things on our own. But, when my husband isn't deployed, I like to know that he wants to make sure he treats me like I deserve to be treated.
It goes both ways though.
I don't necessarily think men should stand when a woman leaves the room/table like they used to (I agree that would be awkward), but it just shows how the times have changed, which is really what I was getting at-how much things have changed. Men used to stand up when a woman left the table/room as a sign of respect, and now often, they don't even offer women a chair when there are none left. I've even seen people let their kids continue to sit on furniture and making guests stand or sit on the floor.
Great post! I also hope to teach my son (and any future children ; p) proper manners and how to be respectful. It is a shame how people don't teach that to their children as much.
Even if a woman says she doesn't "need" a man to take care of her, I believe most women WANT to be taken care of by their husbands (to some degree, anyway), wether they want to admit it or not. Also, men probably desire to be protective of their women. I think to some extent that's how God created us. Just my opinion, though.
Verna, I agree completely.
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